Raccoons in the Crown Plaza

Dear Crown Plaza Seattle,

I was referred to you by a representative of Holiday Inn. I had asked Holiday Inn whether they allowed pets, but they said they do not. Howver, you did for a $50 deposit. Is this true?

My pets aren’t pets in the truest sense, however. They are raccoons. Pet raccoons, granted but still raccoons. They are not ill-tempered and are quite tame, but because of the fact that they are not dogs or cats, I would like to discuss them with you. Would they be allowed inside your building? I don’t let them walk around on leashes or anything like some people with dogs tend to do, which I think is personally rude. I hate it when a leashed dog is walking around my legs, sniffing. They leave no personal space, but the problem is, the owners thing I want to see their dog and perhaps pet it. I don’t. I want to check in and go to my room. My raccoons are stuffed inside cages, small portable cages, with black cloth draped over.

Do my raccoons fall under your pet policy? Or is there something I need to do? I can toss them into a burlap bag if need be. Just say the word. Thank you for your time.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Unfortunately, our hotel’s pet policy will not allow raccoons as pets inside the building. We apologize for the inconvenience. Thanks.

Rena Y.
Executive Assistant

Seiko watches are fantastic (apparently)

Dear Seiko Corporation,

I have never purchased one of your watches for myself, but I have bought three for my dog. One watch for each leg and another watch for his tail. Of course, the watches are not for him. They are for me. Whenever the dog is around me, I can find out what time it is. No matter which way the dog is facing, I can see at least one watch. Maybe two. This is much easier for me than wearing a watch myself. I have arms like a twig, which would snap under the weight of a watch.

I would like to let everyone at Seiko know that they are doing a great job.

I have never been happier with a watch. The dog can do anything it wants and the watches still keep working. The dog even feel off of a cliff once. A small cliff, but a cliff nonetheless. The dog was in serious condition, but the watches…PERFECT! I could not believe it. I didn’t know if I was more shocked that the dog had lived or that the watches still worked. It was that kind of fall. The one that you say, “Oh no” about.

After seven and one half months, the dog finally got the body cast off yesterday. I had forgotten to take the watches off when the cast was put on (and so did the vet). But once again, Seiko amazed me. The watches were in perfect condition. Thank you Seiko.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting Coserv, the customer service division of Seiko Corporation of America, to describe your experience with our timepieces and commend the performance of your timepiece. We at Seiko Corporation take great pride in our unique designs, as well as our superior quality. Letters of praise from consumers like you encourange us to continue in our endeavor to provide the ultimate timepieces a Seiko customer expects and deserves.

We are very sorry to hear about your dog’s recent fall, and we hope that your canine companion recovers quickly. We were pleased to hear about your experiences with your timepiece and we hope that both you and your faithful dog will enjoy many more years of satisfaction from our products. It is truly heartening to receive such an outstandning story from a loyal consumer. We appreciate your business, and look forward to providing you with the best in Seiko quality time.

Sincerely,

Jack S. Hrenvel
Coserv, a division of Seiko Corporation of America
1111 MacArthur Boulevard
Mahwah, NJ 07430
Telephone. 1-800-722-4452
FAX. 201-529-4543/201-529-4525

Brazilian Devilfish

Dear Aquarium,

I would like to donate my Brazilian Devilfish to your great organization.

I have heard that you take care of your animals very well and that is why I would like to give you the opportunity of having this great fish. I believe a Brazilian Devilfish is just what you need. Two would be nice, but I only have one. Additionally, I really have no idea what kind of fish Peter is but a Brazilian Devilfish sounds interesting, so I refer to him as that.

Peter has bitten two of my fingers completely off plus the tip of my nose. He can get angry at times, but I am sure that you will be able to handle him. If you ignore his viciousness, you will probably have your fingers bitten off also. If you respect him, you should be fine.

I would like to rid myself of this Devilfish sometime soon. So just let me know where I should send him exactly. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Hello Adam,

Sounds like a well-loved animal. I assume that, though you are unsure of the actual species, this is an Amazonian, fresh water animal. If this is the case, you are sadly out of luck – we no longer house tropical fresh water fish. I suggest you contact the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma, though I’m not sure what they house as far as fresh water species.

Good luck!

Curator of Fish and Invertebrates

Too many cats

Dear Best Friends Pet Resort and Salon,

I have seventy-three cats. I did not buy them nor go and find them. They found me. I have tried to get rid of them with multiple failed attempts, so they are now with me forever. On problem. I am allergic to the disgusting beasts. My eyes water and turn red, my skin itches constantly, and I sneeze nearly eight hundred times a day. I hate these cats and whoever sent them to me.

These cats have made me miserable while they live the life of luxury in my swimming pool of milk. That is all going to change though, and this is why I write to you.

Shave them. Shave every single one of them bald. I don’t want a single strand of hair left on any one of them. Shave their paws, shave their heads, shave their tails, and even shave off their whiskers. The fall and winter season is almost here and they won’t be so happy when they are freezing cold. Of course, I won’t let them die. I’ll have a couple of heated blankets for them. But only seventy-two, so one cat will always be left cold and miserable just like me.

What is the price for such a service? I also want the hair returned to me in a clear garbage bag. I plan to place it in the window so that cats can see how close warmth is, but yet so far. I look forward to hearing from you.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for writing to Best Friends, Adam. Please contact your local Humane Society or visit www.hsus.org.

Regards,
Your Best Friends Care Team

My cat and Cirque du Soleil

Dear Cirque du Soleil,

I have a cat that can do something amazing, but before I send you an audition tape, I would like to know if this “trick” is something you would care to see and put in your show. My cat, Dexter, has never shown the ability to do anything in his life before. He was a boring lump of cat stuff. But the other day, when he told me that he was bored, and I said, “Go clean my room if you’re bored,” he DID! He got up, looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and walked into my room. He disappeared into the room and before I got up to go look at what he was doing, the door slammed shut. I quietly crept up to the door and tried to peak in, but the little devil had locked it!

I stood outside that room for over thirty minutes. Then the lock disengaged. I opened the door and Dexter walked out. He was covered in dust. The now gray Dexter proceeded up the stairs and into his kitty bed. I looked into my room and it was spotless. Everything was picked up, the bed was made, and not a single speck of dust could be found. He even got under the bed. Can you believe that?

The next time he said he was bored, I told him to clean the garage. He did, but I was smart enough to plan ahead. I put a video camera in there. He still locked me out, but I didn’t mind. When I watched the video later, I was puzzled. I didn’t see him do anything, but the place was clean when I went in later. I don’t remember cleaning it, but this is why I hesitate sending you the tape. You can’t see anything. But he does clean. Is this a quality trick?

If you are wondering, Murry is a gray-haired Siberian cat. His hair is incredidly short, but that is because I cut it every day. I am a clean freak and will not allow cat hair longer than a quarter of an inch to be in my house. So, if I am to bring Murry onto the show, do not be alarmed by his short hair. That is normal. At least for him. I hope that Murry and I will be able to see you soon.

RESPONSE

Bonjour,

We thank you so much for your interest in Cirque du Soleil.

Cirque du Soleil’s acts do not feature animals. We prefer to showcase the talents of human performers. This is an artistic choice, not a political statement.

Kind regards,
Mary Berlamt
Superviseur service a la clientele / Customer Service Supervisor
Cirque du Soleil

Balloon lemurs

Dear Balloon Bonanza,

I will be arriving in Dalton, Georgia May 15th. I am going to be visiting some lemurs that I donated to the local zoo last year, and I would like to buy some balloons to spice up the occasion. The lemurs do not know that I will be coming, and when they see me AND the balloons, they will go crazy. I am sure there will be some fur flying in the excitement.

My lemurs have some very special memories that involve balloons, so I am sure you can see why they would get so excited when I show up with those rubbery spheres of air.

When I arrive, could you have seven of those huge balloons ready for me? The ones that are almost twenty feet across. Not the ones that are twenty feet; the ones that are almost twenty feet. It makes a tremendous difference to the lemurs. At pickup, I will measure the balloons to make sure they are the right size. I cannot stress the importance of keeping those balloons just under twenty feet. Because of a few legal contracts, I am not able to say why it is important, but all you need to know is that it is.

I am not very familiar with your prices. Do you also charge twenty-five cents a ballon like The Yellow Gumball Shop? If not, please send me your prices for balloons. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for checking with us on your up and coming visit. Our shop only carries 18 inch and 3 feet mylars and 11 inch latex.

I’m not sure who you would check with in regards to the type and size you are looking for.

Sorry we couldn’t be of any help.

Thank you,
Katie
Balloon Bonanza

Racing Snails

Dear All-Glass Aquariums,

I enjoy using your aquariums for the following: fish, snakes, spiders, lizards, newts, and my racing snails. (Not in the same tank.) I regularly purchase a new aquarium every month for my racing snails, because I can never get the Snailcan off the inside of the glass, and I always want the glass to be crystal clear.

I bought my monthly aquarium a couple of weeks ago and put my racing snails in it. The next day, when I went to feed my snails, I found Sneaker, my best snail, dead in the corner. I immediately threw away that aquarium and put my remaining snails back in the previous aquarium with the Snailcan on the glass.

My problem: I was wondering if you put something different in the sealant that cause Sneaker to die. Can the vapor from the sealant actually kill a snail? I take the health of my snails seriously, and I don’t want any more of my snails to die like Sneaker. My snails are scheduled to race in two weeks, and I don’t want to put a lot of stress on them by switching them from tank to tank too much. Can you write me back as a soon as you can and let me know if something is different with the sealant? Thank you.

 RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Your letter was received in regards to our aquarium and if we are using different sealant. No, we are not. There is nothing in the silicone, or sealant that would cause any damage to anything living in our aquariums. You can be rest assured that if something does happen to any pets that are in one, it is not because of the products that our aquariums are made from.

I am sorry to hear about your snail, and I hope you find out the real reason it died so it doesn’t happen again. I was very fascinated by the idea of snail races; I never heard of them. It sounds like a wonderful hobby.

If there is anything else that I can help you with, please feel free to call me.

Sincerely,
Janette Larkin
Consumer Relations

Super Bowl tickets

Dear StubHub.com,

Last year, I made a bet with my friend on who would win the Super Bowl. We agreed that the loser would have to buy tickets for the next year’s Super Bowl game. Unfortunately, I lost, and I am still kicking myself. However, a question came to mind when I was trying to sleep last night (it was just too hot in my house). My question:

Do football stadiums allow cats inside the facilities? I don’t want my friend and I to arrive at the Super Bowl, only to be turned away at the front door because one of us is a cat. Not me. Even if we were at the Super Bowl and someone offered to watch my friend while I went in and watched the game, I would refuse the offer. I could not do such a thing to my friend. We do everything together.

If football stadiums do not allow cats inside the facilities, can you find a way to sell me a ticket that made this rule void? You are StubHub.com, afterall, and I’ve heard you can be quite persuasive.

Whatever the costs, I’ll consider them.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting StubHub.

We are not aware of any facilities that allow cats.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact us.

Sincerely,
Matt
StubHub Customer Service
Weekdays: 5:00 AM – 8:00 PM (PST)
Weekends: 6:00 AM – 7:00 PM
866.STUBHUB

StubHub! Where Fans Buy and Sell Tickets (TM)

Swarovski Crystal

Dear Swarovski Crystal,

I have over fifty of your crystal pieces displayed in a beautiful mahogany curio cabinet. It is an amazing collection. If you were to visit my house, you would say, “That is an amazing collection.” I am sure you would be overcome by its beauty and elegance and need to sit down. However, I would have to insist that you sit on the sofa and not the chair. The chair is not for guests. While sitting on the sofa, I would ask you a question about your crystal. My question would be: Do you have to make your crystal so shiny?

Two months ago, I was nearly blinded by the fierce shininess they emit. I had outside on what I thought was a cloudy day, but the sun began to come out. And once the sunlight hit the crystal pieces, it was reflected with the intensity of a laser. The pieces themselves became so incredibly bright that I could not look directly at them. I tired to get up and run away, but I realized that I could not see anything. I was covered in their laser-like shininess. It was like a dense fog but only bright. I couldn’t risk running away and unwittingly running into the street, so I just stood there. This lasted for over five hours. Then the sun set. It was like staring at the sun the entire time. I eventually regained my vision, but my cat, Mr. Cat, was also stuck in this crystal shininess, and he hasn’t been able to see since. At least, I don’t think he can see. He never walked into walls and fell down the stairs before this incident. Now he does those htings every day.

I like to buff and shine my crystal pieces nearly seven times a week. Do you think I over shine? Or are the pieces too shiny to begin with? I am going to keep adding to my collection, making it more amazing with every addition, but if you say so, I can stop buffing and shining. But do not ask me to stop buying your crystal. It is too pretty. I look forward to hearing from you.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your email and interest in Swarovski. We enjoy hearing from our collectors from around the world.

I am happy to hear that you are receiving so much enjoyment from your crystal collection. I certainly wish Mr. Cat a speedy recovery. The factor that sets Swarovski crystal apart is – and always has been – the superior quality of the cutting and polishing. Perhaps your intense commitment to the shining of your crystal, couple with the reflective qualities of the sun has created the overwhelming glare that you are experiencing. My personal suggestion would be to try to refrain from polishing your already brilliant collection.

Hoping to have been of service, I remain,

Sincerely yours,
Jack Park
Customer Relations US

Pets that scream…

Dear Eagle Run Apartments,

I am moving to Omaha, Nebraska in a few years, and I am looking to rent one of your apartments. I have heard that Eagle Run Apartments are the very best. That is good to hear, but before I begin renting, I would like to address some needs that I have.

Do you allow pets that scream? I mean really scream. Glass shattering screams. My pet’s screams are screams that wake you up in the middle of the night and send shivers throughout your body. I still wake up terrified to my very soul because of those little devils. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do about the screaming is nothing. I hope that you will allow my pets to live in the apartment. Other than the screaming, they are great.

I would also like to know whether or not you or anyone living in the other apartments has severe reactions to bee stings? I will make my plans according to your answer.

If you could answer those two questions, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Adam,

Thank you for inquiring about our apartments. However, I am sorry to inform you that at Eagle Run Apartments we do not accept pets.

Sincerely,
Eagle Run Apartments