Cheeseman at a Jets game?

Dear New York Jets,

I have a cheeseman. He’s made out of reconstituted cheeseheads. He was meant to be taken to a Packers game, but because he looks a bit like Brett Favre, I’m afraid the fans would tear Cheeseman to pieces.

Would Cheeseman be welcome at a Jets game? I could spray paint him green? Because he looks a bit like Brett Favre, maybe the fans wouldn’t notice the swiss cheese-like holes. They might think I made Cheeseman especially for them.

I mean to buy a ticket for Cheeseman, so do not worry that I would try and squeeze both him and myself into one seat. However, can you guarantee Cheeseman’s safety? I am very proud of Cheeseman and do not want him “messed up.”

NO RESPONSE YET

Facebook and Myspace need to let things go.

Dear Facebook and Myspace,

I’ve noticed that you have an issue with letting go. See, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I’m sick of you. You annoy me. We were friends for three minutes, dated for thirty seconds, and then I realized you were an idiot. Actually, I was an idiot. What kind of person dates you? Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m sick of knowing you. Get in my past. Become of memory. Stop poking me. And take me off your friends list!

This online social networking is killing me. I know we haven’t talked in a while. There’s a reason for that. And no, we can’t still be friends. 

Quit saying, “hi, whats up?” to me every three weeks. I didn’t answer the last time, I’m not answering this time.

What is it about the internet that makes you think you need to keep in touch with every person you’ve ever met, heard about from a friend, or sat behind at the theater. These aren’t relationships. Without this networking thing, you’d probably forget about 90% of your “friends” by week’s end. Guess what? They’re not really your friends then. And neither am I. We haven’t even seen each other face-to-face in over a year. Let it go.   

Ridiculous Friendwheel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO RESPONSE YET

Photo by: miss_rogue

Superior Drivers

Dear Sara Lee Foodservice,

I’m not a bad driver, but I won’t say I’m a great driver either. A good driver would be an apt description. I have my moments, I’ll admit it, and I make mistakes. Still, I’ve never been in an accident. I am proud of that. But not so proud as to say I’m fantastic, that I’m better than most everyone out there on the road. No, I’m realistic, so when I passed one of your delivery drivers, I couldn’t help notice what you’ve posted on the back of your trucks and take offense. I saw “Superior Drivers.” How brash. Do you really think that you’re superior? Do you think you’re better than me? 

Maybe you are better than me, I don’t know, but to post that on your truck is terribly arrogant.

Is your superiorness documented? If not, then I really don’t like your hotshot little ”bumper sticker.” 

I can imagine what would happen to me if I put a note like that on my car. People would hit me just out of spite. “You think you’re superior? Take this!” My insurance premiums would go through the roof.  

How do you afford it?

NO RESPONSE YET

  

Making money in the stock market

Dear General Electric,

I have followed the stock market for years now, but I am, unfortunately, still not rich. In fact, I am worse off. This is mainly because I cannot choose a good stock. Every time that I would buy stock, it would decline. If I sold short, it would go up. I could not make a profit. All I wanted was to become filthy rich, but the stock market just wouldn’t let me. And now, I am announcing my retirement.

Before I walk away forever, I would like to be given one last opportunity to make money. I have thus come to you for this opportunity. Will you sell me one million shares of your company’s stock for one cent? I promise to sell the stock back to you at one dollar and one cent. I cannot see any way that I would lose money.

I plan to hold onto the stock for thirty-six hours before I sell it back to you. Is this acceptable? After our final transaction, I would like to send you a gift basket that contains four bottles of wine. Nice wine. I hope you and everyone at General Electric can evenly divide this wonderful wine amongst yourselves. If necessary, I will send another bottle. I will also be purchasing this gift basket for myself (for a small celebration). I look forward to hearing from you and finally becoming rich.

NO RESPONSE YET

Yertle

Dear International Astronomical Union,

It has come to my attention that you are the only organization with the authority to name anything in the sky due to an international treaty. I do not know what an international treaty is but if it gives you the authority to name stuff in the sky, you are the people that I have been looking for.

My problem is simple. I have a turtle friend that believes he owns and rules over everything he can see. At this very moment, he can see everything in his aquarium and most of the room he is in, so he owns it all. If I were to take him outside, he would own every visible thing outside. When he is outside, he thinks he owns the sun, but he is now trying to go to one of those star-naming companies to get the sun renamed to a more suitable name. I think he wants “turtle’s.” But because you are the only organization capable of naming things in the sky, can you tell him that he cannot rename the sun through those other companies? He just won’t listen to me.

Once you tell him the news, he will be angry at first (he has already paid a company), but he will then settle down and ask you to rename the sun. Kindly decline and this problem of mine should be solved. I look forward to your reply.

NO RESPONSE YET

Pete Rose

Dear Baseball Hall of Fame,

Two months ago I was at the Hall of Fame. I wasn’t there to see who was in it, but rather who wasn’t. Pete Rose! I didn’t even enter the Hall while I was there. I just stood outside the building and passed out flyers about Pete Rose to people. I also set some garbage cans on fire, and I arranged them to spell out Pete Rose. I burned my face and lost most of my hair, but it was worth it.

I stayed outside the Hall for three days. Maybe you remember me. I was the guy who had bandages over his face the second day. On the third day I was the guy that had all the cats. The cats were supposed to be wearing Pete Rose jerseys, but I was continually scratched when I tried to get near them. One made an attempt to bite me in the face, but it only got a mouthful of bandages.

I plan to return to the Hall next year and bring even more cats, and I have decided I will not stop until Pete Rose is in the Hall of Fame. Each year, more cats will be with me. After three years, I have estimated there will be around forty-three hundred cats. I hope the cats and I will be able to show you why pete Rose should be in the Hall. He is a great.

I hope the cats and I are able to see the day when Pete Rose is inducted into the Hall. We would all like to see it. Until then, feel free to announce the days that the cats and I will be at the Hall to the public. We should be quite a spectacle next year. I am thinking about putting a rose in each cat’s mouth. I look forward to visiting next year. Hopefully without the cats. Could you send me a list of the days when the Hall will be close? Thank you.

NO RESPONSE YET