Nervous Highway Driving

Dear Minnesota Department of Transportation,

There’s a highway, HWY 52, and this highway passes near Rochester, MN. I’ve driven on it a few times. It’s an all right highway. There’s some issues with it. And me.

Why do you have the sign “Approaching Zero Death Corridor”? I get quite nervous when I’m in this corridor. I feel like I cannot let you down, that no matter what I do, I cannot break this streak that you have. The sign shouldn’t be before the corridor. It should be after it.  ”Now Leaving Zero Death Corridor.” This way no one knew they were in such a corridor and no one feels any unecessary tension. Does that make sense?

I think I may try and avoid HWY 52 for the time being. It’s just too much for me.

 RESPONSE

Thanks for writing. 

The purpose of posting signs such as these is to
make drivers aware of their driving and the consequences of driver
distraction, speeding, and imparied driving.  It is not intende to create
additional tension for each driver, but if that increases the drivers
awareness of their surroundings then our goal is being reached. 
Driver inattention is a major component of vehicular crashes and making
the public aware of the consequences of these actions is a goal of
Minnesota’s Toward Zero Death Program.  Mn/DOT and our partners are making
every effort to insure that drivers are as safe as possible on our
roadway systems.  By posting these types of signs we hope to modify
drivers behavior, such that vehicular fatalities continue to decrease from
year to year.

If you have additional comment or questions, please contact me
directly.

Thanks for your concern, Mike.

I hate movie theaters

Dear City Clerk,

I have been policing local movie theaters in my area for years now. By this I mean that I remove anyone who is being rude while a movie is being played. Because I am the one in charge, I decide what qualifies as rude. And after seven years, I can finally say that I have cleaned up this town. No one dares to eat their snacks loudly, talk to the person they are with, sit in front of relatively short people or children, kick or knee the seats in front of them, and repeatedly get up during the movie. Everyone knows that if they do any of these things, I will physeically remove them. But more importantly, they now realize that it is rude and shouldn’t be done in the first place.

I have come to a point in my life where I feel it is time to move on. I have thought about where I should move to and I have decided on your town. I still plan to police movie theaters though. And I am writing you to ask if I need a permit to do this. I am my own business, and I am hired by the movie theaters, so you can probably understand why I would need a permit. But which one? Please let me know what I need to fill out, and I will do so.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your inquiry. By copy of this acknowledgement, I am forwarding your request to Mr. Barry Ginler, the City’s Manager of Licensing, for his reply.

Paula Conrad, A.M.C.T.
City Clerk
The Corporation of the City of North Bay

Jersey man

Dear Jacksonville,

I am a fan of the sports jersey. It is the number one article of clothing in the world. Nothing can compare. It is even better than the important pants. I could go without wearing pants, but not without wearing a jersey.

Because I like jerseys so much, I have decided to open my own jersey shop. It will carry nothing but jerseys. I plan to sell all my jerseys from the back of a van. I will travel from state to state, stopping in certain cities of my choice, and then selling jerseys. My van will play music much like an ice cream truck. Thihs way everyone will know that the jersey man has arrived, and it is time to buy a jersey. The jerseys will sell for one hundred and fifty dollars each. If you buy two, you do not get any discount. I know there are rumors about a buy two get one free, but that is false.

I hope to be a huge success right away. I cannot see any reason why someone would not like the jersey man. I am a nice guy. My van will be nice. There is nothing not nice about it. The jersey man would like to make a stop in Jacksonville, but are there any forms to fill out before arriving? Does he need a permit? I hope the jersey man is permitted to stop in Jacksonville. If you prefer to have the jersey man stop elsewhere, just let him know.

Response

You will need an Itinerant Merchant’s License. The cost for this annual license is $100.00 each year. I’ve attached an application for you to fill out. You must also have written permission from the property owner at each location for which you stop. You may want to contact the Onslow County Tax office to see if they require anything from you. Their number is 910-989-2202.

Brazilian Devilfish

Dear Aquarium,

I would like to donate my Brazilian Devilfish to your great organization.

I have heard that you take care of your animals very well and that is why I would like to give you the opportunity of having this great fish. I believe a Brazilian Devilfish is just what you need. Two would be nice, but I only have one. Additionally, I really have no idea what kind of fish Peter is but a Brazilian Devilfish sounds interesting, so I refer to him as that.

Peter has bitten two of my fingers completely off plus the tip of my nose. He can get angry at times, but I am sure that you will be able to handle him. If you ignore his viciousness, you will probably have your fingers bitten off also. If you respect him, you should be fine.

I would like to rid myself of this Devilfish sometime soon. So just let me know where I should send him exactly. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Hello Adam,

Sounds like a well-loved animal. I assume that, though you are unsure of the actual species, this is an Amazonian, fresh water animal. If this is the case, you are sadly out of luck – we no longer house tropical fresh water fish. I suggest you contact the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma, though I’m not sure what they house as far as fresh water species.

Good luck!

Curator of Fish and Invertebrates

Alaskan Krab

Dear Governor Palin,

The other day, I discovered Alaskan Krab. I was expecting Crab, but found myself face to face with Krab and thought, “this is interesting.” (Surely, you can see where I’m going with this.) By the time I had recovered, wiped off the wall, and picked the container off the floor, I had had a chance to read the ingredients and from where this Alaskan Krab comes. It’s from Gailesville. Gailesville, WI. What is that? Do you have Gailesville Krab in Alaska? If you don’t, you should get some. It seems only fair. Maybe you could call yours Gailesville Krab but with the “b” turned upside down. After all, they turned a “c” into a “k.”

On another note, someone told me that your cows eat penguins. Is this true? I thought they only ate grass.

Back to the Krab though. Should I eat Krab? Is it safe? If it’s safe, I would think the Gailesville people would just call it crab, but they don’t, so I’m confused. Or maybe it’s all the result of an honest misprint. Or a bad speller. But someone would have to be pretty stupid to spell crab with a “k.” Again, I’ve gotten myself confused. I hope you’ll help with this.

RESPONSE

Thank you for writing to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The concerns, opinions, and/or information you have sent are important and valuable to the Governor. Although she is unable to respond to each and every email herself, your message has been received and is being reviewed by the appropriate staff person in this office who can best address your need, suggestion, or comment.