Scope is good eats.

Dear Scope,

I bought your mouthwash for the first time yesterday. I mainly bought it because I liked the green coloring. There’s also the fact that I’ve been told that my breath resembles a mix between rotten eggs and mothballs. I have never noticed it, but my coworkers have. We work very close to each other, less than a foot apart actually, and it is very important to have fresh breath. We are often shunned if we have anything less. Thanfully, the coworkers who confronted me are not so fast to shun.

I drink about two cupfuls every morning, and it has been working great. My coworkers are very happy with the results. I do get an upset stomach every day now, but that is the price you pay for fresh breath. I am sure that without Scope I would not have a job right now. I will easily accept minor diarrhea every morning to have my job.

Thank you for making such wonderful green liquid and coffee tables. I just recently found out that I own one of your 1908 Douglas Fir coffee tables from 1908. It’s very sturdy.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting P&G about Scope.

We’re concerned about your recent experience with this product and are forwarding your report to our Health & Safety Consultants. We appreciate you bringing this matter to our attention.

We stand behind our products 100% and certainly want to reimburse your purchase price. You should receive a check for $4.00, under seperate cover within the next few days.

If you have any questions or comments in the future, please call our toll-free number on our product package. Thans again for getting in touch with us.

Consumer Relations

Peanut Butter and Jelly Protocol

Dear Peanut Butter & Co.,

People think the topic “how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich” is up for discussion, but it’s not. You know this. I know this. There are only two ways to make the sandwich, dependent upon the situation of course.

I’m tired of people asking me how I make my sandwich and then trying to tell me they do it different. And they actually think they’re right. I tell them that they’re not, that they’re stupid, but that only gets them angry. I don’t understand it. For one, why are people asking me about PB&J sandwiches? They bother me every day, all day long. Why? Is this your doing? Seems mean to me, but that’s really not the point.

The point is this…two ways and only two ways to make it.

One: if you’re going to eat the sandwich right away – put the jelly on one slice, then clean off the knife. Why jelly first? Because it’s easier to clean than peanut butter. With the clean knife, then put the peanut butter on the other side. This is the fastest, most economical way to make the sandwich.  No discussion, no question.

Two: if you’re going to eat the sandwich later – put the peanut butter on both slices, clean off the knife (see it takes longer), and put the jelly on top of the PB on one slice. This isn’t the fastest, but it is the smartest. By putting the PB on each slice, you’re preventing the jelly from making the bread soggy by the time you get around to eating it. No discussion, no question.

Right? Get back to me on this, and I’ll smile in your direction.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your note, and for sharing your thoughts with us.  We believe that
there is really no right or wrong way to make a PB&J sandwich.  This really
depends on the maker’s personal preference and what each person likes or
dislikes.  It’s always great to hear how our customers use our products!
 
I hope this information helps. If you have any questions or need any additional
information, please feel free to contact me by email or by phone at 1-866-ILOVEPB (Mon-Fri 8AM to Midnight, Eastern Time, and Sat-Sun 9AM to 9PM Eastern Time).

We look forward to bringing you the most delicious peanut butter in the world!

Most Sincerely,
AL SONDASKI
Peanut Butter & Co. Customer Service
1-866-ILOVEPB

80,000 Tic Tacs

Dear Tic Tac,

Tic Tacs are great, but I have a problem with their shape. They are too round and too hard to handle. The reason I feel this way is because of an incident I had with 80,000 Tic Tacs.

I used to keep my Tic Tacs in a round glass bowl. The bowl held around 80,000 Tic Tacs. One day the bowl fell and broke, throwing 80,000 Tic Tacs across the floor. I began to pick them up and found that it was an extremely difficult task. They kept slipping out of my fingers. It took me four hours to pick them all up. 

Could you begin to make Tic Tacs in cube form? Cubes are an easy shape to handle, and I think the American public is ready for cube Tic Tacs.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We are in receipt of your letter.

Although we appreciate your interest, it is FERRERO policy not to accept unsolicited material/ideas from outside sources.

We thank you for your interest and enclosed complimentary couponds for Tic Tac. Please enjoy them with our compliments.

Sincerely,
Jaimie Smith
Consumer Relations

Oreo Tube

Dear Nabisco,

I’m a longtime fan of the Oreo Cookie. It really is fantastic. Whoever invented it should be given a pat on the back. But nothing else. Just a pat. Could you do that for me? Give that person a pat on the back from Adam.

Oreo. What a name though. Where’d that come from? Oreo? It sounds a bit like someone can’t say Oriole.

But I digress. I’m actually contacting you to see if you are designing anything new. Specifically, anything new with the vanilla cream inside? I’m hoping you’ll say yes, and further elaborate by telling me that you’re planning to sell just the cream, no cookie. A tube (as in toothpaste tube) of Oreo cream would be great. I often find myself twisting the Oreo apart and scrapping the cream off the cookies with my front teeth. And honestly, I only eat the remaining cookies because I would feel wasteful otherwise. I don’t necessarily need the cookies to have a good time. I would be perfectly content sitting down on the couch with an Oreo tube in one hand and my pet spider in the other.

So, how about it? Are you making Oreo tubes?

RESPONSE

Hi Adam,

Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com.  I am delighted to hear how pleased you are with our Oreo Cookies.

I searched our files and found a little history that may be of interest to you.

Oreo Biscuit was first produced in 1912.  The story behind the naming of this cookie is not actually known, but it could possibly originate from the Greek word, “Oreo”, meaning hill or mountain.  When it was first produced, it was shaped like a baseball mound or a hill–hence, an “Oreo”.  This seems likely since the President of the National Biscuit Company at the time, A.W. Green, had a tendency to choose classical names for the new cookies being introduced.

The name originally was registered in 1913 as Oreo Biscuit, again in 1921 as Oreo Sandwich, in 1948 as Oreo Crème Sandwich, and in 1975 as Oreo Chocolate Sandwich Cookies.  Throughout the four variations of the name, it has remained one of the largest selling products and one of the country’s favorite cookies.

Thanks so much for taking the time to contact us with your suggestion also.  We’re always delighted when consumers care enough about our products to offer their own creative ideas 

As you might know, we have a new ‘unsolicited ideas’ policy that allows Kraft to consider some types of ideas (mainly for new products and packaging innovations) submitted by consumers. However, our policy does not cover:

product line extensions
packaging changes
advertising
promotions
recipes ideas

But comments shared by our consumers can be very helpful to Kraft. Various Kraft teams review comments such as yours to help us identify consumer trends, preferences and needs.

Again, we appreciate you contacting us and applaud both your creativity and loyalty

Nancy Miller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

Chiquita has a banana responsibility

Dear Chiquita,

I like bananas, but I’m sure that comes as no surprise to you. Your business is bananas and more than likely, knowing exactly who does and does not like bananas. Well, I can verify your “banana list” for Adam. He likes bananas. No surprise there.

What may come as a surprise is that I can’t eat bananas. Can’t even have a bite. They mess me up. I don’t know why, but they do.

After a few years of pain and discomfort, I’ve decided to do something about this, and that is why I’m contacting you. I require a solution to my banana difficulties, and I have decided that if this is going to be anyone’s responsibility, it should be yours. You need to help me. You know what you’re doing, and I know you’ll accomplish something.

Like Splenda is to real sugar, I want a “Splanana” to real bananas. Can you do this? Even if you can’t, you should. Or at least, find some other alternative. I am a friend of bananas, and to leave me in this unbanana-like condition would be ridiculous.

Of course, if you decided not to help, I can only assume that you meant to put me in this situation in the first place. Did you add something to my bananas? That’s not nice, and I must ask that you stop. I’ve been eating honeydew for goodness sake. Have you ever tried to bring honeydew to work with you? Let me tell you, that is not easy. And everyone keeps calling it a cantaloupe. I am so tired of people asking for a piece of my cantaloupe.

I know you’ll do the right thing.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting Chiquita. I would suggest that you visit your doctor. We do not put anything in the bananas. We are not able to diagnose why they are affecting you. I hope that you find out what is wrong and why they do not agree with you.

Regards,
Sarah 

Fruit Snacks and Air

Dear Shark Bites Fruit Snacks,

You sold me a bag of air. I opened my newly purchased box of fruit snacks and an individually wrapped pouch of air was sitting right on top. I can’t believe that you tried to do that to me. And to make it worse, you didn’t even fill the bag up with air. It was nearly half empty.

On your bag, you label the net weight as .9 oz. I think that is wrong. You give me a bag of air, and then you lie to me about the weight. This is one of my worst fruit snack experiences ever. Second only to the time I got one stuck in my ear.

I am returning my bag of air because I do not want it. I know I paid for it, but I still do not want it. Please do not send it back because I will mail it right back. I will never accept that stupid bag of air.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting General Mills about the problem you had with Betty Crocker fruit snacks. As a responsible manufacturer, we strive to produce high quality products. We are sorry your experience did not meet the standards we expect from our products.

Great care is taken to make sure each package shipped from our plants contains the correct product weight. Since the packaging operations is automatic, it seems that a mechanical failure may be responsible for the inaccurate fill. We appreciate that you have taken the time to notify us and will review the information provided.

We regret any inconvenience this has caused and hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Darrell Jenning

Chap Sticks are candy (not really)

Dear Chap Stick,

I love to eat Chap Stick. I eat it like it is candy. I will sometimes go to the store just to buy a box of Chap Sticks. It can be expensive, but I don’t care. I can’t get enough of that odd textured goodness.

I can go through twenty of those things in one sitting. I just pop them in my mouth like they are popcorn. They do not taste anything like popcorn.

Do you know if it is safe for me to eat Chap Stick? I have been eating it for awhile now and nothing has happened so far. I think I’m okay, but I want to make sure. If you say that it is all right, I plan to start a Chap Stick Eaters Club (CSEC).

I will find everyone from all over who is just like me. i can’t be alone. We will discuss new Chap Stick flavors that are hitting the market, possible recipes for Chap Stick, and of course, how to get that Chap Stick film off your teeth. That’s disgusting.

Do you think “Cleveland the Chap Stick” could make some special appearances? I am sure all club members would love that. I look forward to getting the news about whether or not I can continue eating Chap Stick. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to write us regarding Chap Stick Lip Balm. Your comments have been referred to our Medical Safety Department for reporting.

Regulations set forth by the Food and Drug Administration only permits us to recommend its use for those conditions indicated on the label.

Whitehall-Robins Healthcare is firmly committed to the manufacture and sale of only the finest quality products and is grateful that you took the time to write us.

Sincerely,
Melvin Sharean
Information Specialist

ADDITIONAL RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

In response to your inquiry concerning the ingestion of the Chapstick products, please be aware that the product is designed solely for topical use only and it is not intended to be eaten, or otherwise ingested internally. Hence, we strongly urge you to discontinue eating the product.

Because the product is intended for external use, we do not have any information regarding possible side effects that someone may experience as a result of eating the product. If you notice any unusual effects that you believe are related to ingesting the product, you should contact your physician at once.

Thank you, for contacting us and informing us about your experience with the product.

Sincerely,
Melinda A. Bontera, R.Ph.
Medical Affairs Consultant

Gorton’s Fish Sticks made from fish. Yes or no?

Dear Gorton’s Fish Sticks,

I have always enjoyed your fish sticks. I eat them all the time. Only for dinner though.  I know other people who also enjoy your fish sticks. We are thinking of making a club for fish stick lovers.

I have been eating your fish sticks for a long time, but I have always wondered one thing: Why do you call them fish sticks when they are not made from fish but turtles? You should call them turtle sticks, not fish sticks. Gorton’s Turtle Sticks. That sounds better, and this way customers would know about the turtle meat. People won’t care that it is turtle. I don’t.

I look forward to hearing from you on this perplexing issue. I and my fellow fish sticks lovers are scratching our heads. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Hi Adam, 

Thank you for writing!

Gorton’s utilizes the finest fish resources of the world. Most of our fish is harvested in the North Atlantic (haddock and flounder) and the North Pacific (Alaskan Pollock) in deep, clear, unpolluted ocean waters. It is also harvested from the icy northern waters far off the shores of the U.S.

These waters would include the deep, cold waters off Alaska, Canda, Iceland, and Denmark.

Pollock fish is used to make our Fish Sticks.

Thanks for your interest!
Your friends at Gorton’s 

Pop Tarts and their double Pop Tart pouches

Dear Pop Tarts,

I’ll get right to the point. Why do you put two Pop Tarts in a pouch when one would do? I hate opening the pouch, eating one, and then folding the crinkly silver package over in a futile attempt at preventing the uneaten one from going stale.  My enjoyment level decreases considerably when it’s time to eat that second Pop Tart. It’s freshness is gone, and that’s not tasty.

Of course, I could eat them both at the same time, but why force me into doing something I don’t want to do? Is that your way of keeping control? Would a black market of single Pop Tarts arise if you packaged them as singles? You could just write: “not for individual resale.” Seems to work for everything else.

This is just ridiculous. If I don’t want two, don’t punish me. You should commend my self-restraint. Americans eat too much as it is. I don’t want to get fat. But that’s your goal, I’m sure. To make all Pop Tart eaters fat. Well, I’ll never be like that. Never. You can’t make me.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting us to let us know you would prefer different packagin of Kellogg’s® Pop-Tarts®.

Our company’s goal is to provide consumers with wholesome, high-quality products. One area of great importance is packagin. We continually evaluate our package designs to accomodate the needs of our many different consumers. We take several things into consideration when we develop our package sizes including expected consumer demand, manufacturing capabilities, and shelf space available in retail outlets. Research shows that although the serving size for Kellogg’s® Pop-Tarts® is one pastry, most people eat two pastries at once.

We appreciate the time you took to share your views. Your comments will be shared with our packagin area to help us continue to achieve our goal of providing you with great-tasting and high quality products.

Sincerely,
Carlos Saquic
Consumer Affairs Department
Kellogg North America
PO Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986

Gardetto’s are too tasty

Dear Gardetto’s,

I love you. I love you so much that there is a bag of you sitting right next to me at this very moment. If you don’t believe me, just ask. I will tell you the truth. You are too delicious to lie to. You are also too delicious to keep to myself. That is why I share you with everything I come in contact with. People or animals. But this is where my problem begins.

The other day I shared you with a homeless man. This homeless man now refuses to leave me alone. At first, I thought he wanted another you, so I gave him another you, but this only fed his desire to have more of you. I am very scared now. I cannot get away from this homeless man. Yes, I am quick enough to get inside of my home and close the door before he can slip in, but he is relentless. He can somehow determine which room I am in, and the scratches at the window and yells. Look at me, I am shaking. This homeless man is going to drive me insane. What should I do?

Why do you have to be so delicious? Are you putting something new into yourself? This kind of incident hasn’t happened before, so I can only assume you’ve done something to yourself. Don’t you test yourself before you allow the public to eat you? You should if you don’t. You are a very powerful snack as this homeless man has shown.

Would it be all right if I laced you with some hot sauce and gave you to the homeless man? Maybe he would think you are not good anymore and leave. It might work. But before I do anything, I would like to have your opinion. Please hurry. This homeless man is bound to find a way inside, and I don’t know if I could last long against him and his desire to have more of you.

NO RESPONSE YET