Scope is good eats.

Dear Scope,

I bought your mouthwash for the first time yesterday. I mainly bought it because I liked the green coloring. There’s also the fact that I’ve been told that my breath resembles a mix between rotten eggs and mothballs. I have never noticed it, but my coworkers have. We work very close to each other, less than a foot apart actually, and it is very important to have fresh breath. We are often shunned if we have anything less. Thanfully, the coworkers who confronted me are not so fast to shun.

I drink about two cupfuls every morning, and it has been working great. My coworkers are very happy with the results. I do get an upset stomach every day now, but that is the price you pay for fresh breath. I am sure that without Scope I would not have a job right now. I will easily accept minor diarrhea every morning to have my job.

Thank you for making such wonderful green liquid and coffee tables. I just recently found out that I own one of your 1908 Douglas Fir coffee tables from 1908. It’s very sturdy.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting P&G about Scope.

We’re concerned about your recent experience with this product and are forwarding your report to our Health & Safety Consultants. We appreciate you bringing this matter to our attention.

We stand behind our products 100% and certainly want to reimburse your purchase price. You should receive a check for $4.00, under seperate cover within the next few days.

If you have any questions or comments in the future, please call our toll-free number on our product package. Thans again for getting in touch with us.

Consumer Relations

Happily Ever After – Shame on you Disney

Dear Disney,

Shame on you. Shame on you for getting generations of girls to believe that there is such a thing as “happily ever after.” You know that’s not true. It just doesn’t happen, which is why it’s so often depicted in movies. Movies aren’t indicitive of real life. They’re movies, they’re fictitious (except the ones based on trued stories), they offer nothing as to how life should or can be lived. “Never learn anything from a movie,” that’s my motto. But unfortunately, that isn’t everyone’s, and so, you’ve ruined so many girls and their notions of life.

Your “feel good” movies are really “feel bad, but only after feeling good and then realizing that feel good is fake.” It’s trickery of the highest level.

Does Disney have a dark side? Are you laughing at this letter, because you know it’s true? Has someone (me) figured out your secret? Do I have to start watching my back now? I don’t want to worry, so please let me know that you’ll leave me alone for exposing you.

By the way, I really like Aladdin. When is that coming out on DVD? When it does, can I have a copy signed by all the people at Disney? I’ll pay for it too, and the shipping cost.

NO RESPONSE YET 

Tape Allergy

Dear Scotch Tape,

 I think that I am allergic to your tape. Have you heard of any other people that are allergic to your tape? I am. Whenever I touch Scotch tape, my fingers swell up like you wouldn’t believe. At times, I cannot even close my hand. Of course, I am not lucky enough to have just my fingers grow to the size of small countries. My eyelids instantly enlarge and become one giant mass of skin that covers both eyes. I cannot see a thing when that happens. I end up walking around with gigantic hands and flaps of skin over my eyes. It is something. I can scare the cat by just looking at it.

I used to be able to use Scotch tape before. What has happened? Did I get one of your batches that had peanuts in it? I am not allergic to peanuts, but you never know.

I would like to be able to use tape again. I used tape for many things in the past. Taping together pieces of paper, taping stuff together. The list goes on. Do you think that tape could cause what I described? I have narrowed the cause to either Scotch Tape or my cat. It’s a toss up for me. Please let me know if you have heard of any other people with tape allergies.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your letter. In review of the 3M product, Scotch Brand Magic Tape, that you have come in contact with, our test results indicate that the tape is non-irritating and non-snesititizing (no allergic reaction). However, I would recommend that you consult with your physician to explore the potential sources of your response. If in your discussions with your physician he would like to contact me for further chemical specific information, please provide my phone number.

Sincerely,
Martin Jones Ph.D.
Manager, Corporate Toxicology

80,000 Tic Tacs

Dear Tic Tac,

Tic Tacs are great, but I have a problem with their shape. They are too round and too hard to handle. The reason I feel this way is because of an incident I had with 80,000 Tic Tacs.

I used to keep my Tic Tacs in a round glass bowl. The bowl held around 80,000 Tic Tacs. One day the bowl fell and broke, throwing 80,000 Tic Tacs across the floor. I began to pick them up and found that it was an extremely difficult task. They kept slipping out of my fingers. It took me four hours to pick them all up. 

Could you begin to make Tic Tacs in cube form? Cubes are an easy shape to handle, and I think the American public is ready for cube Tic Tacs.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We are in receipt of your letter.

Although we appreciate your interest, it is FERRERO policy not to accept unsolicited material/ideas from outside sources.

We thank you for your interest and enclosed complimentary couponds for Tic Tac. Please enjoy them with our compliments.

Sincerely,
Jaimie Smith
Consumer Relations

Oreo Tube

Dear Nabisco,

I’m a longtime fan of the Oreo Cookie. It really is fantastic. Whoever invented it should be given a pat on the back. But nothing else. Just a pat. Could you do that for me? Give that person a pat on the back from Adam.

Oreo. What a name though. Where’d that come from? Oreo? It sounds a bit like someone can’t say Oriole.

But I digress. I’m actually contacting you to see if you are designing anything new. Specifically, anything new with the vanilla cream inside? I’m hoping you’ll say yes, and further elaborate by telling me that you’re planning to sell just the cream, no cookie. A tube (as in toothpaste tube) of Oreo cream would be great. I often find myself twisting the Oreo apart and scrapping the cream off the cookies with my front teeth. And honestly, I only eat the remaining cookies because I would feel wasteful otherwise. I don’t necessarily need the cookies to have a good time. I would be perfectly content sitting down on the couch with an Oreo tube in one hand and my pet spider in the other.

So, how about it? Are you making Oreo tubes?

RESPONSE

Hi Adam,

Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com.  I am delighted to hear how pleased you are with our Oreo Cookies.

I searched our files and found a little history that may be of interest to you.

Oreo Biscuit was first produced in 1912.  The story behind the naming of this cookie is not actually known, but it could possibly originate from the Greek word, “Oreo”, meaning hill or mountain.  When it was first produced, it was shaped like a baseball mound or a hill–hence, an “Oreo”.  This seems likely since the President of the National Biscuit Company at the time, A.W. Green, had a tendency to choose classical names for the new cookies being introduced.

The name originally was registered in 1913 as Oreo Biscuit, again in 1921 as Oreo Sandwich, in 1948 as Oreo Crème Sandwich, and in 1975 as Oreo Chocolate Sandwich Cookies.  Throughout the four variations of the name, it has remained one of the largest selling products and one of the country’s favorite cookies.

Thanks so much for taking the time to contact us with your suggestion also.  We’re always delighted when consumers care enough about our products to offer their own creative ideas 

As you might know, we have a new ‘unsolicited ideas’ policy that allows Kraft to consider some types of ideas (mainly for new products and packaging innovations) submitted by consumers. However, our policy does not cover:

product line extensions
packaging changes
advertising
promotions
recipes ideas

But comments shared by our consumers can be very helpful to Kraft. Various Kraft teams review comments such as yours to help us identify consumer trends, preferences and needs.

Again, we appreciate you contacting us and applaud both your creativity and loyalty

Nancy Miller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

Superior Drivers

Dear Sara Lee Foodservice,

I’m not a bad driver, but I won’t say I’m a great driver either. A good driver would be an apt description. I have my moments, I’ll admit it, and I make mistakes. Still, I’ve never been in an accident. I am proud of that. But not so proud as to say I’m fantastic, that I’m better than most everyone out there on the road. No, I’m realistic, so when I passed one of your delivery drivers, I couldn’t help notice what you’ve posted on the back of your trucks and take offense. I saw “Superior Drivers.” How brash. Do you really think that you’re superior? Do you think you’re better than me? 

Maybe you are better than me, I don’t know, but to post that on your truck is terribly arrogant.

Is your superiorness documented? If not, then I really don’t like your hotshot little ”bumper sticker.” 

I can imagine what would happen to me if I put a note like that on my car. People would hit me just out of spite. “You think you’re superior? Take this!” My insurance premiums would go through the roof.  

How do you afford it?

NO RESPONSE YET

  

Chiquita has a banana responsibility

Dear Chiquita,

I like bananas, but I’m sure that comes as no surprise to you. Your business is bananas and more than likely, knowing exactly who does and does not like bananas. Well, I can verify your “banana list” for Adam. He likes bananas. No surprise there.

What may come as a surprise is that I can’t eat bananas. Can’t even have a bite. They mess me up. I don’t know why, but they do.

After a few years of pain and discomfort, I’ve decided to do something about this, and that is why I’m contacting you. I require a solution to my banana difficulties, and I have decided that if this is going to be anyone’s responsibility, it should be yours. You need to help me. You know what you’re doing, and I know you’ll accomplish something.

Like Splenda is to real sugar, I want a “Splanana” to real bananas. Can you do this? Even if you can’t, you should. Or at least, find some other alternative. I am a friend of bananas, and to leave me in this unbanana-like condition would be ridiculous.

Of course, if you decided not to help, I can only assume that you meant to put me in this situation in the first place. Did you add something to my bananas? That’s not nice, and I must ask that you stop. I’ve been eating honeydew for goodness sake. Have you ever tried to bring honeydew to work with you? Let me tell you, that is not easy. And everyone keeps calling it a cantaloupe. I am so tired of people asking for a piece of my cantaloupe.

I know you’ll do the right thing.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting Chiquita. I would suggest that you visit your doctor. We do not put anything in the bananas. We are not able to diagnose why they are affecting you. I hope that you find out what is wrong and why they do not agree with you.

Regards,
Sarah 

Plastic Packaging

Dear Aiwa,

I love listening to music, unless it is bad music. I don’t like that. The good music is good to listen to though. Last week I bought one of your portable cd players so that I could listen to the cds that the good music is on. The cd player was one of your most expensive ones so I think it is one of the best. Still, I have a problem with it.

I can’t get it out of the package. The hard plastic casing that you put it in is too hard. I have tried cutting the plastic with scissors and knives but neither work. I think the scissors were actually dulled by the plastic. I was stupid enough to try and burn the plastic off, but I am sure I only sealed the plastic together even better than before. Over the past week I have tried at least one hundred different things to open the casing. Yesterday I gave it to my dog to chew on, but he only broke his tooth (I have enclosed the tooth). I am writing to you hoping that you have heard of this before from other customers and can help me. Is there something else that I need to buy to open it?

I can’t wait to hear from you so I can listen to my good music.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We thank you for taking the time to contact us.

AIWA AMERICA, INC. maintains a reputation in the audio/video industry for superior quality and dependability. We always welcome correspondences from our customers. Your input is vital to our ongoing effort to improve the quality of our products and service.

Thank you again for keeping us informed. We value your patronage. If you have any questions, please call us at 1-800-424-2492 or visit our website at www.aiwa.com.

Sincerely,
Carley Smith-Johnson
Customer Care Representative
AIWA AMERICA, INC.

MY RESPONSE

Dear Aiwa,

I am in response to your recent letter. I am not sure what your letter was telling me, but I am sure that it wasn’t about my plastic casing problem. I was wondering how to remove the steel-like plastic from my cd player and all you said was that my input was appreciated.

I was not giving any input. I could not get my cd player out; my dog broke his tooth. That is not input. That is a problem. I would like to call or visit your website, but I lost all my fingers in a terrible chicken accident. There were just too many chickens, and I couldn’t get away. That is why I am writing to you with my question once more.

Please let me know how to get this casing off.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

This is to acknowledge receipt of your letter.

We regret the inconvenience you are experiencing with opening your AIWA unit. With the intent to provide you with immediate assistance, we attempted unsuccessfully to reach you by phone to resolve the issue.

Per your letters you wanted to remove a steel-like plastic casing from your CD player. To the best of our knowledge, the plastic casing can be opened with a scissors. If you have any difficulty opening the package, please call 1-800-BUY-AIWA for assistance.

We value your patronage and the opportunity to assist you.

Sincerely,
Lacy Eoppae
Customer Care Representative
AIWA AMERICA, INC.

Chap Sticks are candy (not really)

Dear Chap Stick,

I love to eat Chap Stick. I eat it like it is candy. I will sometimes go to the store just to buy a box of Chap Sticks. It can be expensive, but I don’t care. I can’t get enough of that odd textured goodness.

I can go through twenty of those things in one sitting. I just pop them in my mouth like they are popcorn. They do not taste anything like popcorn.

Do you know if it is safe for me to eat Chap Stick? I have been eating it for awhile now and nothing has happened so far. I think I’m okay, but I want to make sure. If you say that it is all right, I plan to start a Chap Stick Eaters Club (CSEC).

I will find everyone from all over who is just like me. i can’t be alone. We will discuss new Chap Stick flavors that are hitting the market, possible recipes for Chap Stick, and of course, how to get that Chap Stick film off your teeth. That’s disgusting.

Do you think “Cleveland the Chap Stick” could make some special appearances? I am sure all club members would love that. I look forward to getting the news about whether or not I can continue eating Chap Stick. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to write us regarding Chap Stick Lip Balm. Your comments have been referred to our Medical Safety Department for reporting.

Regulations set forth by the Food and Drug Administration only permits us to recommend its use for those conditions indicated on the label.

Whitehall-Robins Healthcare is firmly committed to the manufacture and sale of only the finest quality products and is grateful that you took the time to write us.

Sincerely,
Melvin Sharean
Information Specialist

ADDITIONAL RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

In response to your inquiry concerning the ingestion of the Chapstick products, please be aware that the product is designed solely for topical use only and it is not intended to be eaten, or otherwise ingested internally. Hence, we strongly urge you to discontinue eating the product.

Because the product is intended for external use, we do not have any information regarding possible side effects that someone may experience as a result of eating the product. If you notice any unusual effects that you believe are related to ingesting the product, you should contact your physician at once.

Thank you, for contacting us and informing us about your experience with the product.

Sincerely,
Melinda A. Bontera, R.Ph.
Medical Affairs Consultant

Knott’s not a berry farm

Dear Knott’s Berry Farm Amusement Park,

When I went to your “Berry Farm” last month, I was very disappointed. I made a special trip to California on my way to Yemen just to be amused at your park of berries. I was not amused at your park. I was expecting to see so many berries that I would not be able to not be amused. I was not amused. The reason for my unamusement is simple. You had no berries! What is an amusement park calling itself a berry farm for if it does not feature any berries? I didn’t even see one strawberry. Not one.

I spent the entire day at your park searching for your berries. I asked many other people at your park if they knew where the berries were and not one of them knew. I guess I am not the only one who can’t find any berries.

This is a major problem that you should look into. I am very easily amused by berries. Strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries are all very amusing to me. Even if you had two berries, maybe a strawberry and a blueberry sitting out somewhere, I would have been amused and then left happy. But you could not do that. Do you plan on getting any berries sometime soon? You should.

I cannot get over the fact that you call yourself a berry farm when you obviously do not have any berries. If you ever have a vote to change your name, place a check mark under my vote for Knott’s Not A Berry Farm Amusement Park. Have a good day.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for taking the time to write to us regarding your concerns with our park and with our name as Knott’s Berry Farm. We always appreciate receiving comments from visitors and learning of what their expectations in visiting us are.

Cordelia and Walter Knott founded Knott’s Berry Farm as a 10-acre farm in 1920. Walter was a farmer who became famous as the developer of the boysenberry. From berry fields, the farm grew to a tea room where Cordelia began serving chicken dinners. A berry market and nursery was also established. From Walter Knott’s passion with the old west grew replicas of a ghost town, gold mine, and our own Independence Hall. All these evolved into what is now considered one of the Nation’s oldest themed amusement parks.

The original berry stand that Walter Knott established and sold berries from is present within our parks, with a boysenberry patch growing directly behind the stand. The County of Orange, in 1976, presented Knott’s Berry Farm with a plaque honoring the berry stand as a historical site. Outside our amusement park gates is our Berry Market where an ssortment of preserves are sold.

We are very proud of our amusement park and the history and simple beginnings it evolved from a berry farm even though we no longer are in the business of producing berry crops. Through the years, Knott’s has prided itself on offering a fun family Park with a wide range of rides, attractions, and entertainment for the enjoyment of all ages. This goal continues to be embraced by Cedar Fair, L.P. who purchased Knott’s Berry Farm in 1998.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. We sincerely hope that on your next visit to California, you can visit with us to enjoy all our various rides and entertaining offerings.

Sincerely,
Michelle Whebber
Director, Guest Services