Yertle

Dear International Astronomical Union,

It has come to my attention that you are the only organization with the authority to name anything in the sky due to an international treaty. I do not know what an international treaty is but if it gives you the authority to name stuff in the sky, you are the people that I have been looking for.

My problem is simple. I have a turtle friend that believes he owns and rules over everything he can see. At this very moment, he can see everything in his aquarium and most of the room he is in, so he owns it all. If I were to take him outside, he would own every visible thing outside. When he is outside, he thinks he owns the sun, but he is now trying to go to one of those star-naming companies to get the sun renamed to a more suitable name. I think he wants “turtle’s.” But because you are the only organization capable of naming things in the sky, can you tell him that he cannot rename the sun through those other companies? He just won’t listen to me.

Once you tell him the news, he will be angry at first (he has already paid a company), but he will then settle down and ask you to rename the sun. Kindly decline and this problem of mine should be solved. I look forward to your reply.

NO RESPONSE YET

Winking panda

Dear The San Diego Zoo,

While trying to find something on television tonight, I came upon a show about pandas. I was instantly taken back to last year when I visited your zoo. That was a very good day. I wish you could have been there and shared in my fun, but you weren’t. As I continued to watch the panda documentary, I was violently thrown into a flashback. I had nearly forgotten about this incident that had occurred at your zoo, but I remember it all too vividly now. On the television, Xiang Xing, the panda, looked nearly identical to the panda that you have and at that moment, I couldn’t get away from my memory.

It was nearly noon when I walked up to your panda exhibit. The sun was beating down on me with the strength of one thousand fires, but your panda seemed unfazed. He even approached me until we were face to face. I was very intrigued by this and stared intently at the panda, waiting for his next move. He only matched my stare with equal ferocity. I was going to look away, but at that very moment, your panda winked at me. This wasn’t a half blink. This wasn’t a one-eyed blink. This was a one hundred percent wink. There was no mistaking it for anything else. I became so frightened that I ran from that panda without looking back, and I must have subconsciously forgotten it until tonight. Now I cannot get that panda wink out of my mind’s eye. Every time I blink, I see a flash of him. When I try to close my eyes and go to sleep, I see your winking panda.

Please, please tell me what I witnessed was not a wink. Tell me that panda has a condition where he accidentally winks at times. Tell me anything. I just need some assurance that that panda didn’t really wink at me. I cannot even look outside at night, because I think I hear him approaching from the darkened woods. Quietly at first, but his footsteps increase in pace and resonance with every passing second. Maybe you could send me a picture of him. I have heard that if people face their fears, they can overcome them. I could do that. I will do anything to get over this wink. Please help me.

RESPONSE

Thank you for your interest in the animals of the San Diego Zoo. Unfortunately, we do not have the information you have requested.

MY RESPONSE

Dear The San Diego Zoo,

Are you sure that you do not have any of the information that I requested? Maybe you should look again. I am freaking out about that panda. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Not even one wink. Wink! There it is! I cannot get that out of my mind. Please help. Do you have a picture that I could buy? If your policy is to not give any pictures away for free, I will be glad to pay for one. I just want something.

Or you could lie to me. Just say it wasn’t a wink. Tell me that pandas get objects in their eyes often and he was only winking to get some dust out. Tell me that I was mistaken. The wink wasn’t directed at me.

People who don’t get enough sleep begin to go crazy and I don’t want that. I need my sleep. If this panda’s wink ruins my life, I will be very sad. Even depressed. Isn’t there something you could offer for comfort?

NO FURTHER RESPONSE

Akron Zoo

Dear Akron Zoo,

I have a question that I would like answered if you have enough time. What would happen to me if I fed a bear at your zoo? Would I go to jail? I am not saying that I did this, but I may have. At this point, I am not sure what happened, but I would like to know what could happen to anyone feeding your animals. Could I be banned from the Akron Zoo? I like your zoo and wouldn’t want that to happen.

I would like you to know that I would never purposefully give any food to any of your animals, but things do happen. I hope you can understand. If I fed the bear, am I shunned from the zoo society? That is a little harsh, but I know I wouldn’t be too happy if someone was feeding my animals. The neighbor gave my dog a piece of his hamburge one day and I had a fit. I was waving my arms in the air, jumping up and down, and yelling like you wouldn’t believe, but that was different. He game my dog the food on purpose. I didn’t do anything on purpose.

If there are penalties for feeding the bear, please let me know what they are, because I am curious, nothing more. I look forward to your response.

RESPONSE

We do have a no feeding policy here at the Akron Zoo. If something was fed to one of the animals we would like to know so we can contact our vet. Your feedback is appreciated.

Michael Poullion
Director of Marketing & Guest Services
Akron Zoo
500 Edgewood Ave.
Akron, Ohio 44307
(330) 375-2550 Ext. 7238
info@akronzoo.org
www.akronzoo.org

MY RESPONSE

Dear Akron Zoo,

It is too bad that there is a policy that forbids feeding the animals. I know people would have a lot of fun throwing various foods to various animals. Who doesn’t like to feed an animal? If I could, I would give hundreds of pretzels to thos penguins. Pretzels and penguins equal good times. But you have a policy, so I won’t.

On the day that I was near the bear exhibit, I wan’t watching the bear, but feeding a squirrel some popcorn. I was on one knee and the squirrel was within arm’s reach, stuffing his face with popcorn. (It is ok to feed the squirrel’s, right? They aren’t caged so I assumed it was ok, but thinking about it, I may have made a huge mistake.) I quickly ran out of popcorn, the squirrel’s face stuffed to capacity, and I got up. But too quickly! The squirrel became frightened and turned to run. However, his mouth was so full that his cheeks were forced outwards and upwards, blocking most his vision. He then blindly ran into the bear area.

I looked around, but no one had seen this. I was tempted to yell for help, but I panicked as I watched the squirrel run around, oblivious to the danger. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t watch that squirrel get eaten by a bear, so I ran away. Then I returned. I had forgotten my hat. Looking into the bear area, the squirrel was gone. Maybe the bear ate the squireel. Maybe not. But it was my fault. Your brea may or may not have eaten a squirrel because of me. I’m sorry.

NO RESPONSE

How to transport a woodchuck

Dear Amtrak,

I would like to rent one of your trains from March 25-May 29. I have a problem that only a train can fix. I need to move my woodchucks to Mexico. This might not sound like something I would need a train for, but I have around fifty-four hundred woodchucks in my possession. They were not stolen. Because of my situation, all fifty-four hundred woodchucks need to be moved as quickly as possible.

During the night of March 24, I will place all the woodchucks into the train and leave the next morning. I will return on May 29 with the train but without the woodchucks. (They will be in Mexico.)

I will try to find time to clean the train once I return, but I cannot guarantee anything. If you find a woodchuck left behind, you can keep the little guy. All the woodchucks answer to Chester, but feel free to change its name if you would like. Please do not try to give any woodchucks back. I will not accept them.

Could I rent one of those bullet trains? That would be excellent. I look forward to hearing about the payment and pickup/drop-off points. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Thank you for your email requesting information about reserving a train for your May event.

Please call 1-800-USA-RAIL for all information about reservations. They will be able to discuss options and details about your propsed trip.

Thank you.

Lisa Green
Customer Relations Specialist

Too many cats

Dear Best Friends Pet Resort and Salon,

I have seventy-three cats. I did not buy them nor go and find them. They found me. I have tried to get rid of them with multiple failed attempts, so they are now with me forever. On problem. I am allergic to the disgusting beasts. My eyes water and turn red, my skin itches constantly, and I sneeze nearly eight hundred times a day. I hate these cats and whoever sent them to me.

These cats have made me miserable while they live the life of luxury in my swimming pool of milk. That is all going to change though, and this is why I write to you.

Shave them. Shave every single one of them bald. I don’t want a single strand of hair left on any one of them. Shave their paws, shave their heads, shave their tails, and even shave off their whiskers. The fall and winter season is almost here and they won’t be so happy when they are freezing cold. Of course, I won’t let them die. I’ll have a couple of heated blankets for them. But only seventy-two, so one cat will always be left cold and miserable just like me.

What is the price for such a service? I also want the hair returned to me in a clear garbage bag. I plan to place it in the window so that cats can see how close warmth is, but yet so far. I look forward to hearing from you.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for writing to Best Friends, Adam. Please contact your local Humane Society or visit www.hsus.org.

Regards,
Your Best Friends Care Team

Le Parker Meridien Hotel

Dear Le Parker Meridien Hotel,

I would like to know if there are any rooms available for June 30. Are there?

On that day, I will be accompanied by a Gibbon Monkey. Will this be a problem? I was told by the Salisbury Hotel that you allow pets. My Gibbon Monkey does have a problem though. He is a salivating monkey.

Gibbon, the monkey, has a steady stream of spit pouring out of his mouth at all times. He does not stop. I have gotten used to constantly stepping or sitting in spit, but I would like to know if Gibbon will be allowed in your hotel. I do not want Gibbon’s saliva to cause any problems.

While in your hotel, he will basically sit in the bed and salivate all day. There will be a few times where he will get up to use the bathroom and possible call the front desk to request extra towels (to soak up the spit), but otherwise, he will keep to himself.

I have heard that you once allowed a flock of flamingos to stay at your hotel, so I am sure Gibbon will be allowed in, but I would like to make sure. Gibbon and I look forward to staying at the Parker Meridien Hotel.

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Palmer,

 Thank you very much for your letter of April 12.  Though I very much appreciate my colleagues at the Salisbury Hotel referring you to us, I regret to inform you that we will not be able to accommodate Gibbon. My team and I were very shocked that a proud member of the animal kingdom has been so “domesticated” that he is now able to communicate over the telephone with our front desk.  

With reference to the “flock of flamingoes” that stayed with us, actually they were a punk rock band, a very close ancestor to the human species.

 

Cordially,
Le Parker Meriden Hotel

Culver’s Frozen Yogurt

Dear Culver’s,

I have a group of ducks, forty-seven total, that have a birthday coming up, and I would like to schedule a birthday party for them at Culver’s. Could I make a reservation for May 20th? My ducks, all forty-seven, enjoy frozen custard so much that it is almost scary, but they seem to like Culver’s frozen custard the most, which is not scary. Because of that, I have decided that taking them to Culver’s for a frozen custard party would be a lot of fun.

I would like to hold the party from 9 A.M. to 5 P.M. During that time, the ducks and I will eat frozen custard over and over. Around 3 P.M., I will set up a pinata filled with frozen custard for the ducks to break open. I have found that my ducks are unable to swing anything at the pinata, so they are going to repeatedly fly at the pinata until it breaks open. Is flying permitted in your restaurant? If not, the ducks will instead attempt to jump and kick at the pinata.

At 5  P.M., the ducks and I will pay for the frozen custard, thank you for letting us have our party, and then leave. The ducks do not know about the party at this point, and I would like to keep it a surprise, so please do not address your reply to them. Address it to me. Thank you.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding a birthday party for your forty-seven ducks. How fortunate they are to have such a caring owner who thinks so much of them that he would treat them to Culver’s Frozen Custard. I see two problems with having the birthday party here at the Onalaska Culver’s. First of all, our restaurant doesn’t open until 10:30 am. Secondly, for health code reasons, no animals are allowed in the restaurant. If you would like to gather out on our patio, you would be welcome. We could even possibly arrange to bring custard to a nearby park with a pond so that your ducks could have entertainment there. We realize that “keeping your ducks in a row” is not easy, so if there is anything else that we can do to help, please contact us.

Sincerely,
Helen C. Bolle
Owner/Operator

Lemmings in Madrid? No.

Dear City of Madrid,

I have never been to your city, but I have heard from friends that you have a lemming problem. On April 26, every lemming in the area runs through your city to get to a steep cliff, and once there, they jump off one by one. This is horrible. I can’t imagine how bad these lemmings must smell a few days later. I once had some racing snails that died when I was on vacation. The second I walked into the house, I almost threw up. Somehow the snails had gotten out of their containers and into the air vents. When I found them, they were just clumps of green fuzz.

I am writing this letter because I plan on visiting Madrid in May, and I would like to know if I should cancel my trip. I do not want dead lemming smell in my clothes. Is the smell barely noticeable or does it hit you and knock you down? I would still visit if the smell is not noticeable, but I do not want to be knocked down by it. I am a person that vomits very easily. Three, four times a week. So, the lemming smell could get to me within hours of arriving. I would not enjoy my trip if that happened.

I hope you can understand my concern with the smell. I would like to enjoy Madrid without vomiting. Maybe there is another time of the year when the lemming smell is gone? I look forward to visiting a smelless city.

RESPONSE

Adam:

I am writing to alleviate your concerns about the menacing lemmings. While I am not sure if the entire community is rodent free, I can unequivocally assure you there are no lemmings. I would like to warn you that we suffer from some other problems that you may have never experienced.

First and foremost, there is the inability of the inhabitants to refrain from being nice. It is contagious, and you will find that the majority of the people will go out of their way to enhance your day. While you will not be overwhelmed by the available activities; Madrid does offer the opportunity to enjoy some good food and a friendly atmosphere.

Second, in Madrid the worst smell you may encounter is that emanating from the many wood-burning stoves. Being from Wisconsin, I am sure you can appreciate this privilege. While the climate is not as cold as Winsconsin’s for extended periods of time, it is plenty cold. Should you decide to visit in the winter, be prepared for all kinds of weather.

In the future, we would appreciate your help in dispelling the roaming lemming rumors. We are proud to proclaim the Village Lemming Free. Sorry to hear about your prized racing snails.

Sincerely;
Tim
The Madrid Village Board