Happily Ever After – Shame on you Disney

Dear Disney,

Shame on you. Shame on you for getting generations of girls to believe that there is such a thing as “happily ever after.” You know that’s not true. It just doesn’t happen, which is why it’s so often depicted in movies. Movies aren’t indicitive of real life. They’re movies, they’re fictitious (except the ones based on trued stories), they offer nothing as to how life should or can be lived. “Never learn anything from a movie,” that’s my motto. But unfortunately, that isn’t everyone’s, and so, you’ve ruined so many girls and their notions of life.

Your “feel good” movies are really “feel bad, but only after feeling good and then realizing that feel good is fake.” It’s trickery of the highest level.

Does Disney have a dark side? Are you laughing at this letter, because you know it’s true? Has someone (me) figured out your secret? Do I have to start watching my back now? I don’t want to worry, so please let me know that you’ll leave me alone for exposing you.

By the way, I really like Aladdin. When is that coming out on DVD? When it does, can I have a copy signed by all the people at Disney? I’ll pay for it too, and the shipping cost.

NO RESPONSE YET 

Tape Allergy

Dear Scotch Tape,

 I think that I am allergic to your tape. Have you heard of any other people that are allergic to your tape? I am. Whenever I touch Scotch tape, my fingers swell up like you wouldn’t believe. At times, I cannot even close my hand. Of course, I am not lucky enough to have just my fingers grow to the size of small countries. My eyelids instantly enlarge and become one giant mass of skin that covers both eyes. I cannot see a thing when that happens. I end up walking around with gigantic hands and flaps of skin over my eyes. It is something. I can scare the cat by just looking at it.

I used to be able to use Scotch tape before. What has happened? Did I get one of your batches that had peanuts in it? I am not allergic to peanuts, but you never know.

I would like to be able to use tape again. I used tape for many things in the past. Taping together pieces of paper, taping stuff together. The list goes on. Do you think that tape could cause what I described? I have narrowed the cause to either Scotch Tape or my cat. It’s a toss up for me. Please let me know if you have heard of any other people with tape allergies.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your letter. In review of the 3M product, Scotch Brand Magic Tape, that you have come in contact with, our test results indicate that the tape is non-irritating and non-snesititizing (no allergic reaction). However, I would recommend that you consult with your physician to explore the potential sources of your response. If in your discussions with your physician he would like to contact me for further chemical specific information, please provide my phone number.

Sincerely,
Martin Jones Ph.D.
Manager, Corporate Toxicology

80,000 Tic Tacs

Dear Tic Tac,

Tic Tacs are great, but I have a problem with their shape. They are too round and too hard to handle. The reason I feel this way is because of an incident I had with 80,000 Tic Tacs.

I used to keep my Tic Tacs in a round glass bowl. The bowl held around 80,000 Tic Tacs. One day the bowl fell and broke, throwing 80,000 Tic Tacs across the floor. I began to pick them up and found that it was an extremely difficult task. They kept slipping out of my fingers. It took me four hours to pick them all up. 

Could you begin to make Tic Tacs in cube form? Cubes are an easy shape to handle, and I think the American public is ready for cube Tic Tacs.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We are in receipt of your letter.

Although we appreciate your interest, it is FERRERO policy not to accept unsolicited material/ideas from outside sources.

We thank you for your interest and enclosed complimentary couponds for Tic Tac. Please enjoy them with our compliments.

Sincerely,
Jaimie Smith
Consumer Relations