You got your hair cut. It looks nice.

Dear Cost Cutters,

I got my hair cut the other day. Not by you (you don’t need to know who), but that’s really not the point. The point is that after I got the hairs on my head cut, I didn’t receive any compliments. It was a good haircut, but no one said anything, and I felt bad.

But then I started to wonder why I should feel bad. It shouldn’t bother me that no one said anything. What do I care? And even if someone said something, I know what they would have said: “hey, you got your hair cut? It looks nice.” It’s always the same comment. No one ever says it looks terrible: “what the heck did you do to yourself?!” They just acknowledge the obvious and give a half-hearted compliment. They might as well say, “you got some different clothes on today. Nice.”

Do we have to continue with this stupid little comment? No one really feels that much better. I think we should stop. No one needs to say anything about anyone’s haircut. You got your hair cut? Good for you. I’m getting mine tomorrow. And two to three weeks after that and two to three weeks after that. It’s an endless cycle.

Now that I’ve convinced you that haircuts do not warrant comment, I would like to request that you tell your customers to stop anyone who tries to comment about their haircut. Eventually, people will get the idea and stop. I’ve contacted HairPlus, The Hair Place, Mike’s Barbershop, and We Have Scissors, We’ll Cut Your Hair, and they’ve all agreed to my plan. I hope you will too.

RESPONSE

Adam:

Thanks for your perspective on the age-old dilemma: “If no one comments, is it worth bringing up?” The question really goes beyond hair, doesn’t it? What about other comments like “I really like your shirt” or even, “Wow, your nails looks so neatly clipped?” Perhaps courtesy, no matter how genuine, is worth holding onto, even when it relates to everday maintenance. Of course, it can be argued that to some, a great haircut is worth a compliment. Which is where we net out on the whole question.

We appreciate you taking the time to contact us with your thoughts and will pass this along to our field service teams for their consideration.

Respectfully,

The Cost Cutters Team
Corporate Headquarters
Minneapolis, MN

Superior Drivers

Dear Sara Lee Foodservice,

I’m not a bad driver, but I won’t say I’m a great driver either. A good driver would be an apt description. I have my moments, I’ll admit it, and I make mistakes. Still, I’ve never been in an accident. I am proud of that. But not so proud as to say I’m fantastic, that I’m better than most everyone out there on the road. No, I’m realistic, so when I passed one of your delivery drivers, I couldn’t help notice what you’ve posted on the back of your trucks and take offense. I saw “Superior Drivers.” How brash. Do you really think that you’re superior? Do you think you’re better than me? 

Maybe you are better than me, I don’t know, but to post that on your truck is terribly arrogant.

Is your superiorness documented? If not, then I really don’t like your hotshot little ”bumper sticker.” 

I can imagine what would happen to me if I put a note like that on my car. People would hit me just out of spite. “You think you’re superior? Take this!” My insurance premiums would go through the roof.  

How do you afford it?

NO RESPONSE YET

  

Napkin Recycler

Dear Abby,

Two days ago, I ate at a friend’s house. We had soup, and it was good. So good in fact that I didn’t spill a drop. I mention this because I often spill foods on purpose. You know, to avoid eating bad food. I’m always cleaning up messes, but this time, I didn’t have to use my napkin. It sat untouched near my left arm (well, nearly untouched as I folded the upper left corner of it before the soup had arrived).

I ran into this friend yesterday, and again, ate over (but not soup; a less desirable veggie burger). When offered a napkin, I took it as I planned to spill the heck out of this veggie burger. But that’s when I noticed something funny. I think I was given the same napkin from the previous day. There was a crease in the upper left corner. Could my friend have recycled the napkin on me? That’s disgusting. What is your stance on this? Is that allowed?

I don’t think it should be, and I’ll tell you why. Two words: slippery slope. If it’s napkins today, it’s kleenex and toilet paper tomorrow. Clearly you can see the problem now.

What can you advise me to do? Should I say something?

NO RESPONSE YET

Chiquita has a banana responsibility

Dear Chiquita,

I like bananas, but I’m sure that comes as no surprise to you. Your business is bananas and more than likely, knowing exactly who does and does not like bananas. Well, I can verify your “banana list” for Adam. He likes bananas. No surprise there.

What may come as a surprise is that I can’t eat bananas. Can’t even have a bite. They mess me up. I don’t know why, but they do.

After a few years of pain and discomfort, I’ve decided to do something about this, and that is why I’m contacting you. I require a solution to my banana difficulties, and I have decided that if this is going to be anyone’s responsibility, it should be yours. You need to help me. You know what you’re doing, and I know you’ll accomplish something.

Like Splenda is to real sugar, I want a “Splanana” to real bananas. Can you do this? Even if you can’t, you should. Or at least, find some other alternative. I am a friend of bananas, and to leave me in this unbanana-like condition would be ridiculous.

Of course, if you decided not to help, I can only assume that you meant to put me in this situation in the first place. Did you add something to my bananas? That’s not nice, and I must ask that you stop. I’ve been eating honeydew for goodness sake. Have you ever tried to bring honeydew to work with you? Let me tell you, that is not easy. And everyone keeps calling it a cantaloupe. I am so tired of people asking for a piece of my cantaloupe.

I know you’ll do the right thing.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting Chiquita. I would suggest that you visit your doctor. We do not put anything in the bananas. We are not able to diagnose why they are affecting you. I hope that you find out what is wrong and why they do not agree with you.

Regards,
Sarah 

Plastic Packaging

Dear Aiwa,

I love listening to music, unless it is bad music. I don’t like that. The good music is good to listen to though. Last week I bought one of your portable cd players so that I could listen to the cds that the good music is on. The cd player was one of your most expensive ones so I think it is one of the best. Still, I have a problem with it.

I can’t get it out of the package. The hard plastic casing that you put it in is too hard. I have tried cutting the plastic with scissors and knives but neither work. I think the scissors were actually dulled by the plastic. I was stupid enough to try and burn the plastic off, but I am sure I only sealed the plastic together even better than before. Over the past week I have tried at least one hundred different things to open the casing. Yesterday I gave it to my dog to chew on, but he only broke his tooth (I have enclosed the tooth). I am writing to you hoping that you have heard of this before from other customers and can help me. Is there something else that I need to buy to open it?

I can’t wait to hear from you so I can listen to my good music.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We thank you for taking the time to contact us.

AIWA AMERICA, INC. maintains a reputation in the audio/video industry for superior quality and dependability. We always welcome correspondences from our customers. Your input is vital to our ongoing effort to improve the quality of our products and service.

Thank you again for keeping us informed. We value your patronage. If you have any questions, please call us at 1-800-424-2492 or visit our website at www.aiwa.com.

Sincerely,
Carley Smith-Johnson
Customer Care Representative
AIWA AMERICA, INC.

MY RESPONSE

Dear Aiwa,

I am in response to your recent letter. I am not sure what your letter was telling me, but I am sure that it wasn’t about my plastic casing problem. I was wondering how to remove the steel-like plastic from my cd player and all you said was that my input was appreciated.

I was not giving any input. I could not get my cd player out; my dog broke his tooth. That is not input. That is a problem. I would like to call or visit your website, but I lost all my fingers in a terrible chicken accident. There were just too many chickens, and I couldn’t get away. That is why I am writing to you with my question once more.

Please let me know how to get this casing off.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

This is to acknowledge receipt of your letter.

We regret the inconvenience you are experiencing with opening your AIWA unit. With the intent to provide you with immediate assistance, we attempted unsuccessfully to reach you by phone to resolve the issue.

Per your letters you wanted to remove a steel-like plastic casing from your CD player. To the best of our knowledge, the plastic casing can be opened with a scissors. If you have any difficulty opening the package, please call 1-800-BUY-AIWA for assistance.

We value your patronage and the opportunity to assist you.

Sincerely,
Lacy Eoppae
Customer Care Representative
AIWA AMERICA, INC.

Fruit Snacks and Air

Dear Shark Bites Fruit Snacks,

You sold me a bag of air. I opened my newly purchased box of fruit snacks and an individually wrapped pouch of air was sitting right on top. I can’t believe that you tried to do that to me. And to make it worse, you didn’t even fill the bag up with air. It was nearly half empty.

On your bag, you label the net weight as .9 oz. I think that is wrong. You give me a bag of air, and then you lie to me about the weight. This is one of my worst fruit snack experiences ever. Second only to the time I got one stuck in my ear.

I am returning my bag of air because I do not want it. I know I paid for it, but I still do not want it. Please do not send it back because I will mail it right back. I will never accept that stupid bag of air.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for contacting General Mills about the problem you had with Betty Crocker fruit snacks. As a responsible manufacturer, we strive to produce high quality products. We are sorry your experience did not meet the standards we expect from our products.

Great care is taken to make sure each package shipped from our plants contains the correct product weight. Since the packaging operations is automatic, it seems that a mechanical failure may be responsible for the inaccurate fill. We appreciate that you have taken the time to notify us and will review the information provided.

We regret any inconvenience this has caused and hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products.

Sincerely,
Darrell Jenning