Pop Tarts and their double Pop Tart pouches

Dear Pop Tarts,

I’ll get right to the point. Why do you put two Pop Tarts in a pouch when one would do? I hate opening the pouch, eating one, and then folding the crinkly silver package over in a futile attempt at preventing the uneaten one from going stale.  My enjoyment level decreases considerably when it’s time to eat that second Pop Tart. It’s freshness is gone, and that’s not tasty.

Of course, I could eat them both at the same time, but why force me into doing something I don’t want to do? Is that your way of keeping control? Would a black market of single Pop Tarts arise if you packaged them as singles? You could just write: “not for individual resale.” Seems to work for everything else.

This is just ridiculous. If I don’t want two, don’t punish me. You should commend my self-restraint. Americans eat too much as it is. I don’t want to get fat. But that’s your goal, I’m sure. To make all Pop Tart eaters fat. Well, I’ll never be like that. Never. You can’t make me.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting us to let us know you would prefer different packagin of Kellogg’s® Pop-Tarts®.

Our company’s goal is to provide consumers with wholesome, high-quality products. One area of great importance is packagin. We continually evaluate our package designs to accomodate the needs of our many different consumers. We take several things into consideration when we develop our package sizes including expected consumer demand, manufacturing capabilities, and shelf space available in retail outlets. Research shows that although the serving size for Kellogg’s® Pop-Tarts® is one pastry, most people eat two pastries at once.

We appreciate the time you took to share your views. Your comments will be shared with our packagin area to help us continue to achieve our goal of providing you with great-tasting and high quality products.

Sincerely,
Carlos Saquic
Consumer Affairs Department
Kellogg North America
PO Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986

My cat and Cirque du Soleil

Dear Cirque du Soleil,

I have a cat that can do something amazing, but before I send you an audition tape, I would like to know if this “trick” is something you would care to see and put in your show. My cat, Dexter, has never shown the ability to do anything in his life before. He was a boring lump of cat stuff. But the other day, when he told me that he was bored, and I said, “Go clean my room if you’re bored,” he DID! He got up, looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and walked into my room. He disappeared into the room and before I got up to go look at what he was doing, the door slammed shut. I quietly crept up to the door and tried to peak in, but the little devil had locked it!

I stood outside that room for over thirty minutes. Then the lock disengaged. I opened the door and Dexter walked out. He was covered in dust. The now gray Dexter proceeded up the stairs and into his kitty bed. I looked into my room and it was spotless. Everything was picked up, the bed was made, and not a single speck of dust could be found. He even got under the bed. Can you believe that?

The next time he said he was bored, I told him to clean the garage. He did, but I was smart enough to plan ahead. I put a video camera in there. He still locked me out, but I didn’t mind. When I watched the video later, I was puzzled. I didn’t see him do anything, but the place was clean when I went in later. I don’t remember cleaning it, but this is why I hesitate sending you the tape. You can’t see anything. But he does clean. Is this a quality trick?

If you are wondering, Murry is a gray-haired Siberian cat. His hair is incredidly short, but that is because I cut it every day. I am a clean freak and will not allow cat hair longer than a quarter of an inch to be in my house. So, if I am to bring Murry onto the show, do not be alarmed by his short hair. That is normal. At least for him. I hope that Murry and I will be able to see you soon.

RESPONSE

Bonjour,

We thank you so much for your interest in Cirque du Soleil.

Cirque du Soleil’s acts do not feature animals. We prefer to showcase the talents of human performers. This is an artistic choice, not a political statement.

Kind regards,
Mary Berlamt
Superviseur service a la clientele / Customer Service Supervisor
Cirque du Soleil

Raccoons and Holiday Inn

Dear Holiday Inn,

I am soon to be jumping from a hot air balloon while over the city of Seattle, and when I land, I will need a place to stay and recover from the fall. I would like to stay at your hotel, but there are some issues I would like to make clear. While I am making my jump/fall, I will be wrestling two angry raccoons. Angry, not rabid. They will be angry because I will make them angry. They are not angry by nature, and because these raccoons are non-fighters, I would like them to stay with me in the Holiday Inn.

While in your hotel, I thought it would be nice to show off the raccoons in the lobby: let them run around, jump and climb on any furniture you may have, maybe sit on the front desk and stare at guests as they check in, then suddenly freak out, scaring the guest and making me laugh. I plan to have a very good time at your hotel. These raccoons are more entertaining than a truckload of clowns. You will see.

At this moment, there is no set date on when I will make my jump from the balloon, but you can expect me to stay at your hotel the night after the jump. Are there any rooms available? If you are booked, I would be happy to just stay in the lobby. Or maybe in a supply room. But I must warn you, I am like McGyver and would most likely make firecrackers out of toilet paper, cleaning solution, and a pen. I promise not to set them off in your hotel. Outside in the parking lot is permitted however.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting us. To further assist you, please provide the hotel’s street/city/state so we may be able to verify your request directly to the desired hotel. We look forward to your response.

Best Regards,
Frank Aventajo
Internet Response Team
InterContinental Hotels Group

MY RESPONSE

Dear Holiday Inn,

I’m sorry. I thought all Holiday Inns would have the same policies, so I sent it as a general question to you. Specifically, I’m interested in the Holiday Inn at 211 Dexter Ave. N., Seattle, WA. Thanks for your help. Again, the raccoons aren’t ill-tempered if that makes a difference.

RESPONSE

Thank you for your response. I have verified that Holiday Inn Seattle does not allow pets at the hotel. The closest hotel that allows pets would be the Crowne Plaza Seattle. It allows pets with $50.00 non-refundable deposit.

Should you require additional assistance, please feel free to contact us.

Best Regards,
Jenny Renzo
Internet Response Team
InterContinental Hotels Group

Gardetto’s are too tasty

Dear Gardetto’s,

I love you. I love you so much that there is a bag of you sitting right next to me at this very moment. If you don’t believe me, just ask. I will tell you the truth. You are too delicious to lie to. You are also too delicious to keep to myself. That is why I share you with everything I come in contact with. People or animals. But this is where my problem begins.

The other day I shared you with a homeless man. This homeless man now refuses to leave me alone. At first, I thought he wanted another you, so I gave him another you, but this only fed his desire to have more of you. I am very scared now. I cannot get away from this homeless man. Yes, I am quick enough to get inside of my home and close the door before he can slip in, but he is relentless. He can somehow determine which room I am in, and the scratches at the window and yells. Look at me, I am shaking. This homeless man is going to drive me insane. What should I do?

Why do you have to be so delicious? Are you putting something new into yourself? This kind of incident hasn’t happened before, so I can only assume you’ve done something to yourself. Don’t you test yourself before you allow the public to eat you? You should if you don’t. You are a very powerful snack as this homeless man has shown.

Would it be all right if I laced you with some hot sauce and gave you to the homeless man? Maybe he would think you are not good anymore and leave. It might work. But before I do anything, I would like to have your opinion. Please hurry. This homeless man is bound to find a way inside, and I don’t know if I could last long against him and his desire to have more of you.

NO RESPONSE YET

Revenge

Dear All Tour Discounts,

I would like to visit Alcatraz some time next May. Are there any openings available? I know it can get very busy at times. I own a restaurant called Palcatraz and it is always busy, so you can see why I would think Alcatraz would be the same. Should I make reservations now? If you want, you can make reservations to my restaurant now.

I have a question though. Can I bring my friend along and abandon him on the island overnight? My plan is to take him to Alcatraz, lose him in the maze of rooms, and then catch the last ferry off the island before he knows what has happened. What do you think? It’s funny, yes?

Please do NOT think that I am a naturally mean person. I am not. Last year, my friend and I went to the Statue of Liberty and he abandoned me there. This is revenge and not an unprovoked act of meanness. You don’t have to worry. I will be very kind to you staff and other tourists. Unless provoked. If I am provoked, I will snap back like a high-strung weasel who just spilt coffee on himself. If you could let your staff know about this, everything should run smoothly.

Once I have caught the last ferry off the island, my friend may become aware of the situation. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started to cry. Do not feel bad for him. I did the same thing at the Statue of Liberty and no one felt bad for me.

Is it possible to leave a small snack for him? He may get hungry and leaving him without any food is beyond mean. It is not nice. Is this plan of mine even possible? Do you allow this? I hope you do. Otherwise, could you suggest another famous island? Thank you.

RESPONSE

Hi Adam,

You can bring a friend to Alcatraz as long as it is not a pet. Sorry.

You can wait until next year to book your tour. May is not too busy. Book a couple of weeks in advance.

Best Regards,
Larry Guchler

Hardee’s coffee warning

Dear Hardee’s,

I like to visit the nearest Hardee’s every morning to get my coffee with one sugar and two creams. I do not drink the coffee; I just smell it. Until yesterday, I had never really looked at what was printed on the coffee cup, but for some reason, I studied it while driving to work yesterday, and I noticed something odd. There was a message that told me the coffee inside the cup was hot. Why does it say that? You must think I am an idiot. Children even know coffee is hot, and the ones that are too young to know do not drink coffee anyway, so why the message?

I think that anyone dumb enough to not know this shouldn’t be warned at all. They deserve to burn themselves. Not too badly, but just a little. Call it a lesson if you will.

I am actually offended by this. I am not stupid. I am quite smart, so why do you need to insult me? I do not have to take this kind of abuse. I can easily go to another place for my morning coffee, and don’t think I won’t, because I will. Please tell me that this isn’t an insult directed at me. I could understand if it was a joke that got out of hand, so if it is, just say so, and I will be all right.

I want to continue buying my coffee at Hardee’s. It smells so good and gives me that official “I work in an office building” label. I like that since I don’t really work in an office building but somewhere else. I cannot tell you where, but you will have to trust me. Just like I will trust you to tell me what is going on with this message of yours. I look forward to hearing from you.

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Adam,

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. Our goal is to make our guests happy–every guest, every time! Your comments have been forwarded to our management team for their review and consideration.

Because your opinions and comments are important to us, we would like you to have a Six Dollar Burger or a Big Chicken Fillet Sandwich, on us!

I am mailing two Guest Cards for you. Enjoy!

Please feel free to contact us again at any time.

Sincerely,
Saina
Hardee’s Guest Response
On the Web at www.hardees.com

P.S. Please retain your Thread ID in the message body. This will help us locate your information should you need us again.

NOTE

I never gave them my mailing address. They tried to appease me with coupons that could never arrive, and they knew it. Sneaks.

Caribou shouldn’t make coffee

Dear Caribou Coffee,

On a recent visit to the Mall of America, I happened to walk by a Caribou Coffee. The smell was intoxicating. I had never smelled anything that smelled so good before. It lifted me up and carried me inside. I couldn’t resist.

But when I sat down and began to drink my coffee, I was horrified. How could something that smelled so good, taste so bad? My eyes began to water, my throat closed up, and my tongue was dieing. I quickly got up, ran to Krispy Kreme, and ate eleven original donuts to rid myself of the coffee taste. I now understand why people like to eat donuts with their coffee. It covers up that coffee.

I would like to let you know that I never let go of that cup of coffee. I held on and carried it with me to Krispy Kreme. I held on to it while eating my donuts. I even held on when I was being chased by mall security (they thought I was someone else). I just couldn’t get rid of your coffee. It smelled so good. Is there something in it that makes it smell so wonderful? Now, every time I visit the Mall of America, the first place I go to is Caribou Coffee. I cannot shop without a cup of coffee in my hand and under my nose. It really wakes me up and keep me alert. And that is good when there is mall security chasing everyone who looks like someone.

I hope that this story makes you feel good about your establishment in the Mall of America. They are doing a good job. Maybe there will come a day when I can not only carry the coffee, but also drink it. Is there anything that I could do to the coffee to make it taste as good as it smells? I look forward to hearing from you.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thanks for taking the time to write to us about your experience with Caribou Coffee. Let me start by asking a few questions. What flavor does the coffee have that you don’t like, try to be specific. Does it taste smoky or tart? It’s not sweet or creamy or too sweet? If I have a better idea what flavors you’re looking for I can make recommendations on beverage choices.

Have you ever tried our espresso beverages? They allow great flexibility to customize the beverage.

Sincerely,
Kristin Viedmer
Customer Service Department

MY RESPONSE

Dear Caribou Coffee,

If my memory serves me correctly, I carried the French Roast coffee around the mall. I fell in love with the smell instantly, but the taste was something I don’t want to experience ever again. I still cannot believe it tasted like that. It was almost as if someone was trying to hurt me. But not really. I would describe French Roast as a bold, heavy coffee with a slightly velvety background that creeps onto the tongue for a decadent experience, but that is only based on my one taste before I flipped out and ran to Krispy Kreme, so I could be wrong. Maybe it was more of a smooth, bittersweet flavor that could warm the heart on a cold, winter morning. My memory is not serving me well today though.

Everything that I described above was what I didn’t like about French Roast. I would prefer something that is inconspicuous, but soothing and starts quietly like a soft melody but leaves with a splash of nut and fruit. However, I realized that there is no such coffee, so I will continue buying French Roast.

The next time I pass a Caribou Coffee, I may try one of your espresso beverages if what you have said is true. I would like some flexibility to customize my coffee smell. A hint of sweetness never hurts. I will anxiously await your response.

NO RESPONSE
THEREFORE, MY ADDITIONAL RESPONSE

Dear Caribou Coffee,

Did you receive my previous reply? I was planning on visiting the Mall of America last Sunday, but since you had not replied back, I didn’t go. When I visit the Mall of America from now on, I want to be able to purchase the style of coffee that best suits my tastes. But you were going to tell me what my tastes were. Can you now see why I couldn’t go to the Mall of America last weekend? I don’t know what I like.

In the reply, I told you what I was looking for in reference to a coffee flavor. Was I not specific enough? I can try to give you more information if you need it. I love that coffee smell, but I now want to drink that smell. I am tired of smelling. I want to taste Caribou Coffee, the Caribou Coffee that matches my unique tastes.

I am not like most people. I enjoy only a select style of coffee, and I would like you to tell me what that is. I hope that you can reply back to me soon. I plan on going to the Mall of America next Wednesday, and I have promised my friend (my brown gerbil) that he could come with. He has scheduled off of work, and I cannot not go now.

NO RESPONSE YET

Alaskan Krab

Dear Governor Palin,

The other day, I discovered Alaskan Krab. I was expecting Crab, but found myself face to face with Krab and thought, “this is interesting.” (Surely, you can see where I’m going with this.) By the time I had recovered, wiped off the wall, and picked the container off the floor, I had had a chance to read the ingredients and from where this Alaskan Krab comes. It’s from Gailesville. Gailesville, WI. What is that? Do you have Gailesville Krab in Alaska? If you don’t, you should get some. It seems only fair. Maybe you could call yours Gailesville Krab but with the “b” turned upside down. After all, they turned a “c” into a “k.”

On another note, someone told me that your cows eat penguins. Is this true? I thought they only ate grass.

Back to the Krab though. Should I eat Krab? Is it safe? If it’s safe, I would think the Gailesville people would just call it crab, but they don’t, so I’m confused. Or maybe it’s all the result of an honest misprint. Or a bad speller. But someone would have to be pretty stupid to spell crab with a “k.” Again, I’ve gotten myself confused. I hope you’ll help with this.

RESPONSE

Thank you for writing to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The concerns, opinions, and/or information you have sent are important and valuable to the Governor. Although she is unable to respond to each and every email herself, your message has been received and is being reviewed by the appropriate staff person in this office who can best address your need, suggestion, or comment.

Tootsie Rolls are small

Dear Tootsie Roll,

I recently bought a XL Tootsie Roll. I didn’t even open it, and I could see that you are wrong. One third of the package is air. It wasn’t a XL Tootsie Roll; it was a medium-sized Tootsie Roll. I am really disappointed. I bought that Tootsie Roll because I thought, “Hey, an extra long Tootsie Rool. Now I can have even more of that chewy candy in one package.”

XL. That means extra long, bigger than normal. I got something that wasn’t extra long nor bigger than normal. It could be bigger than normal if you compared it to a midget Tootsie Roll. I used to like Tootsie Rolls, and I couldn’t find anything wrong with them, but now I don’t think that I can go on buying Tootsie Roll products any more. You can have your medium Tootsie Roll back because I refuse to eat it.

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Adam,

Thank you for writing Tootsie Roll Industries, Inc. We appreciate Tootsie fans taking the time to tell us of a situation that is out of the ordinary with one of our products, as it gives us the opportunity to correct that situation as quickly as possible.

We have referred your letter to our Quality Control Department and they advise that without a sample it is impossible to verify this complaint or its cause.

We are enclosing a coupon toward the purchase of the Tootsie confectionary of your choice. We are certain that they will live up to the standard that you have every right to expect from products manufactured by Tootsie Roll Industries, Inc.

Sincerely,
TOOTSIE ROLL INDUSTRIES, INC.
Julie Linns
Consumer Affairs

MY RESPONSE

Dear Tootsie Roll,

I am returning your coupon for the fact that I have decided to only eat red colored things. I cannot eat anything with the colors green, blue, orange, yellow, black, purple, brown, etc. If there is a food item with red on the outside and another color inside, I cannot eat it. I am only aware of Tootsie Roll making items that are completely brown or have a brown inside. So, I cannot accept the coupon.

You also said in your letter that the “XL Tootsie Roll” was not included with my letter. It was. You must not have seen it. I am sorry; I should have said that I was including the Tootsie Roll. It was hard to see.

I noticed that you labeled me as a fan. I am not a fan, but a non-fan. I would like to be put in your non-fan files. Thank you and please accept the coupon.

Evian’s Natural Spring Water

Dear Evian,

I have enjoyed drinking your “natural spring water from the French Alps” for years. It is so fresh and clean. And beautifully clear. I have been know to cry in the past over your water because I love it so much. I cannot imagine what life would be like without it. I’m sure I would die, since I would refuse to drink any water other than Evian. To that end, thank you for keeping me alive.

I am sure you are well aware of how expensive your water can be. I am forced to pay nearly eight dollars for one bottle at the nearby gas station. I once had to go nearly 36 hours without any water because I couldn’t afford it. I do NOT want that to happen again. But at these prices, I know it will. So I have come up with a solution.

I am going to travel to the French Alps and bottle my own Evian water. I will never again pay eight dollars for one bottle of water. However, I do need your help. I have asked around and no one knows where the natural springs you get your water from is located. Can you tell me? Where is this spring of yours? I promise not to take all of the water. Just enough to last me for the rest of my life.

I plan to leave around January 3rd and return four days later. Could you give me a map of the area where your spring is located? I want to find the spring, bottle my water, and leave. Nothing more. Nothing less. If, for some reason, I do take too much of the water, let me know and I will return some. I look forward to hearing from you and tapping into that “natural spring water from the French Alps.”

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your recent inquiry.

Evian Natural Spring Water is bottled only at its source, the Cachat Spring, located at the base of the French Alps, in the town of Evian, France. The town of Evian is near the border with Switzerland and far from any urban or industrial activity.

If you should like to receive brochures through the mail or learn more about Evian Natural Spring Water, please contact us.

Thank you for your interest in Evian Natural Spring Water.

Sincerely,
May Loire
Consumer Service Representative