Cheeseman at a Jets game?

Dear New York Jets,

I have a cheeseman. He’s made out of reconstituted cheeseheads. He was meant to be taken to a Packers game, but because he looks a bit like Brett Favre, I’m afraid the fans would tear Cheeseman to pieces.

Would Cheeseman be welcome at a Jets game? I could spray paint him green? Because he looks a bit like Brett Favre, maybe the fans wouldn’t notice the swiss cheese-like holes. They might think I made Cheeseman especially for them.

I mean to buy a ticket for Cheeseman, so do not worry that I would try and squeeze both him and myself into one seat. However, can you guarantee Cheeseman’s safety? I am very proud of Cheeseman and do not want him “messed up.”

NO RESPONSE YET

Scope is good eats.

Dear Scope,

I bought your mouthwash for the first time yesterday. I mainly bought it because I liked the green coloring. There’s also the fact that I’ve been told that my breath resembles a mix between rotten eggs and mothballs. I have never noticed it, but my coworkers have. We work very close to each other, less than a foot apart actually, and it is very important to have fresh breath. We are often shunned if we have anything less. Thanfully, the coworkers who confronted me are not so fast to shun.

I drink about two cupfuls every morning, and it has been working great. My coworkers are very happy with the results. I do get an upset stomach every day now, but that is the price you pay for fresh breath. I am sure that without Scope I would not have a job right now. I will easily accept minor diarrhea every morning to have my job.

Thank you for making such wonderful green liquid and coffee tables. I just recently found out that I own one of your 1908 Douglas Fir coffee tables from 1908. It’s very sturdy.

RESPONSE

Thank you for contacting P&G about Scope.

We’re concerned about your recent experience with this product and are forwarding your report to our Health & Safety Consultants. We appreciate you bringing this matter to our attention.

We stand behind our products 100% and certainly want to reimburse your purchase price. You should receive a check for $4.00, under seperate cover within the next few days.

If you have any questions or comments in the future, please call our toll-free number on our product package. Thans again for getting in touch with us.

Consumer Relations

Letter to the Green Bay Packers Concerning Brett Favre Cheeseman

Dear Green Bay Packers,

I am planning on going to a Packers game some time this next season and instead of bringing a cheesehead, I’ve made a cheeseman. It’s quite spectacular. Looks a bit like Brett Favre, albeit completely unintentional. He’s seven feet tall (my cheeseman, not Brett Favre). I’ve meticulously carved areas of the body from individual cheeseheads and pieced them together to form the Cheeseman. The reason Cheeseman is capitalized is because he is the ultimate peice of foam cheese. Thus, it’s more capitalizing the word “cheese” rather than giving attention to the entire word. But anyway, every Packers fan who loves the cheesehead would love Cheeseman. He is absolutely remarkable.

I am going to a game to show off Cheeseman, and I was wondering if I would have to pay for his ticket. I am willing to pay, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to.

Cheeseman could be the team mascot for the Green Bay Packers. Of course, my Cheeseman could never be the mascot, but someone else could make a Cheeseman II. Cheeseman II would be at every home and away game to inspire the Packers and discourage the opponents. He could do the Lambeau Leap at halftime, but not only in the endzone, but all around the field. Cheeseman II could definitely be something.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We are in receipt of your letter in regards to bringing “Cheeseman” to a game this coming season.

Unfortunately, our stadium policy clearly states “every patron must have a ticket to enter the stadium.” Although it is arguable whether or not this rule would be applicable to the inanimate Cheeseman, there is little doubt he would disrupt the view and comfort of other fans if he did not occupy his own seat.

Although it’s not feasible to bring Cheeseman inside the stadium, I’m sure you would find him well received with the tailgaters and fans outside the gates on game day.

Your letter has been forwarded to our marketing department. They will give your idea for Cheeseman II – THE MASCOT proper review and consideration.

Thank you for sharing your ideas with us. We look forward to your support as we anticipate another exciting season.

Sincerely,
Walter M. Chrislen
Ticket Office Assistant

MY RESPONSE

Dear Walter,

If Brett Favre gets traded to a non-divisional rival like Tampa Bay, but is then immediately traded by the non-divisional rival to Minnesota, is my Cheeseman still welcome? He does resemble Brett quite a bit. Would the fans tear Cheeseman apart if they saw Brett wearing a Minnesota Vikings uniform?

NO RESPONSE YET

Facebook and Myspace need to let things go.

Dear Facebook and Myspace,

I’ve noticed that you have an issue with letting go. See, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. I’m sick of you. You annoy me. We were friends for three minutes, dated for thirty seconds, and then I realized you were an idiot. Actually, I was an idiot. What kind of person dates you? Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I’m sick of knowing you. Get in my past. Become of memory. Stop poking me. And take me off your friends list!

This online social networking is killing me. I know we haven’t talked in a while. There’s a reason for that. And no, we can’t still be friends. 

Quit saying, “hi, whats up?” to me every three weeks. I didn’t answer the last time, I’m not answering this time.

What is it about the internet that makes you think you need to keep in touch with every person you’ve ever met, heard about from a friend, or sat behind at the theater. These aren’t relationships. Without this networking thing, you’d probably forget about 90% of your “friends” by week’s end. Guess what? They’re not really your friends then. And neither am I. We haven’t even seen each other face-to-face in over a year. Let it go.   

Ridiculous Friendwheel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO RESPONSE YET

Photo by: miss_rogue

NameAStar is like NameAGrainOfSand: pointless and you’ll never find it.

Dear NameAStar, Inc.,

I don’t like the ninth planet’s name. It is a bad name for a planet (and don’t correct me that it technically isn’t a planet. I learned that it was, and I cannot be told otherwise. Should I accept that it is not a planet and never really was a planet, then I must accept that fact that my teacher was wrong, and if she was wrong about Pluto, what else was she wrong about? Does 1+1=11? See, it’s such a slippery slope that I’m not even going to go down that path. Back to my real point). Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to buy this chunk of dirt and rename it something I like. But I have run into a problem. I cannot find the owner of Pluto. Since you have the authority to name stars, I am hoping that you are familiar with the renaming of planets. Do you know who owns Pluto? Do you own Pluto? How much do you want for Pluto?

I plan on renaming this planet Otulp. That is much better than Pluto. Do you agree? Pluto will officially be renamed exactly 45 hours after I purchase the planet. This will give sufficient time to collect party streamers, confetti, and a nice white wine. I will be the only one invited to this party. I will have a great time. There will be party favors also. I wish that I could invite you, but that wouldn’t be right. If I invited you, I would have to invite everyone (slippery slope again). I hope you can understand.

I would like to think that by the year 2012 everyone in the world would be referring to Pluto as Otulp. But I am a reasonable person, and I can imagine that it won’t happen. Maybe 2013.

I cannot imagine that the price of Pluto would be too high. It isn’t very good real estate. And when was the last time a human even went there? I can’t remember. I consider it a good investment though. But it isn’t, so don’t think about buying it. You can’t have it. Unless you already have it. Then you should want to sell it to whomever wants to buy it as soon as possible. I will offer you $24.96. This isn’t negotiable. Unless you want less. Please let me know what you think.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your interest in Name A Star, Inc. Over the ages man has charted over 25 listing of the stars. We are creating a new listing of the stars with a Constellation Catalog that is available “online.” We “name stars” that are referred to by telescopic coordinates or catalog numbers. There are the stars available on our site.

Naming a star is a loving gesture on your part that shows your appreciation for the person being named.

Our star catalog is not coordinated with the scientific community. Astronomers will not be calling you star, John Smith. Scientists use the telescopic coordinates since it is more convenient for them. Please refer to our site under FAQ, for more details on our cataloging of stars.

The catalog of stars we use is based on a recent scientific survey of the sky that is used by many astronomers. They rely on the coordinates to precisely guide there telescopes, so you should be able to locate your named star. If you are not an astronomer, and don’t know one who has a telescope, we recommend using software packages that allow you to see star charts on a personal computer. Since many of the stars in the catalog are very faint, some stars may not appear in the software packages. That is why we provide a star chart which shows the exact position of the star within its constellation.

We recommend a low powered telescope or binoculars for viewing the stars that we offer. All are stars are 8 magnitude or higher. Most stars seen with the namked eye are below 6 magnitude and many have recognizable names. “We do not name stars with commonly used names.”

We also understand that here are other companies that offer a similar service. We pride ourselves in offering customers choices such as selecting there own certificate style, picking the actual star from a “list provided at the time of purchase” and being one of the most reasonably priced services in this market. We realize our product does not appeal to everyone.

We hope this information is helpful. We appreciate your interest and look forward to serving you in the future.

P.S. Have a great day!

Sincerely, NameAStar, Inc.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Protocol

Dear Peanut Butter & Co.,

People think the topic “how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich” is up for discussion, but it’s not. You know this. I know this. There are only two ways to make the sandwich, dependent upon the situation of course.

I’m tired of people asking me how I make my sandwich and then trying to tell me they do it different. And they actually think they’re right. I tell them that they’re not, that they’re stupid, but that only gets them angry. I don’t understand it. For one, why are people asking me about PB&J sandwiches? They bother me every day, all day long. Why? Is this your doing? Seems mean to me, but that’s really not the point.

The point is this…two ways and only two ways to make it.

One: if you’re going to eat the sandwich right away – put the jelly on one slice, then clean off the knife. Why jelly first? Because it’s easier to clean than peanut butter. With the clean knife, then put the peanut butter on the other side. This is the fastest, most economical way to make the sandwich.  No discussion, no question.

Two: if you’re going to eat the sandwich later – put the peanut butter on both slices, clean off the knife (see it takes longer), and put the jelly on top of the PB on one slice. This isn’t the fastest, but it is the smartest. By putting the PB on each slice, you’re preventing the jelly from making the bread soggy by the time you get around to eating it. No discussion, no question.

Right? Get back to me on this, and I’ll smile in your direction.

RESPONSE

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your note, and for sharing your thoughts with us.  We believe that
there is really no right or wrong way to make a PB&J sandwich.  This really
depends on the maker’s personal preference and what each person likes or
dislikes.  It’s always great to hear how our customers use our products!
 
I hope this information helps. If you have any questions or need any additional
information, please feel free to contact me by email or by phone at 1-866-ILOVEPB (Mon-Fri 8AM to Midnight, Eastern Time, and Sat-Sun 9AM to 9PM Eastern Time).

We look forward to bringing you the most delicious peanut butter in the world!

Most Sincerely,
AL SONDASKI
Peanut Butter & Co. Customer Service
1-866-ILOVEPB

Goosebumps are no good

Dear doctor,

The other day, I was sitting in a very cold, air-conditioned room. It was hot outside and naturally I was wearing a t-shirt. After only a few minutes of being in this room, I began to get goosebumps. It wasn’t a problem at first, but these little bumps wouldn’t go away. I tried everything, but they stayed. I soon became very frustrated and started to yell at the bumps. Someone next to me was kind enough to recommend rubbing my arms, so I did. Nothing happened though. I then turned my anger towards the interloper. We got into a fight, someone threw a punch, and there were scratches exchanged. That person had extrememly sharp fingernails and scractched a couple goosebumps off of my arm. And that is why I am writing to you.

Can you surgically remove my goosebumps? These little bumps could ruin my life. I either need to get rid of them or control my anger. It’s easier to cut them off so would you do it? I just need the goosebumps on my arms removed. The other ones can stay. For now.

Will this procedure cost a lot? What is the recovery time? I play some sports. Chess and checkers actually. February is my tournament month. I need full mobility of my arms for those tournaments. Can we work around that?

Would it be possible to just pull those bumps out with tweezers? I don’t want to spend money on surgery if I don’t need to. I am tough, and I could handle the tweezer pulling. Don’t worry about me. My friends and family do that enough.

Yesterday, I discovered that small, brown squirrels give me goosebumps. I was walking down the sidewalk when I looked at the base of a tree and there it was. I saw it and it saw me. The goosebumps instantly appeared. I do not want that to happen ever again. I hope that you can help me. I look forward to you response.

REPLY

Dear Adam,

I can’t help you.

Dr. Genchi

Happily Ever After – Shame on you Disney

Dear Disney,

Shame on you. Shame on you for getting generations of girls to believe that there is such a thing as “happily ever after.” You know that’s not true. It just doesn’t happen, which is why it’s so often depicted in movies. Movies aren’t indicitive of real life. They’re movies, they’re fictitious (except the ones based on trued stories), they offer nothing as to how life should or can be lived. “Never learn anything from a movie,” that’s my motto. But unfortunately, that isn’t everyone’s, and so, you’ve ruined so many girls and their notions of life.

Your “feel good” movies are really “feel bad, but only after feeling good and then realizing that feel good is fake.” It’s trickery of the highest level.

Does Disney have a dark side? Are you laughing at this letter, because you know it’s true? Has someone (me) figured out your secret? Do I have to start watching my back now? I don’t want to worry, so please let me know that you’ll leave me alone for exposing you.

By the way, I really like Aladdin. When is that coming out on DVD? When it does, can I have a copy signed by all the people at Disney? I’ll pay for it too, and the shipping cost.

NO RESPONSE YET 

Tape Allergy

Dear Scotch Tape,

 I think that I am allergic to your tape. Have you heard of any other people that are allergic to your tape? I am. Whenever I touch Scotch tape, my fingers swell up like you wouldn’t believe. At times, I cannot even close my hand. Of course, I am not lucky enough to have just my fingers grow to the size of small countries. My eyelids instantly enlarge and become one giant mass of skin that covers both eyes. I cannot see a thing when that happens. I end up walking around with gigantic hands and flaps of skin over my eyes. It is something. I can scare the cat by just looking at it.

I used to be able to use Scotch tape before. What has happened? Did I get one of your batches that had peanuts in it? I am not allergic to peanuts, but you never know.

I would like to be able to use tape again. I used tape for many things in the past. Taping together pieces of paper, taping stuff together. The list goes on. Do you think that tape could cause what I described? I have narrowed the cause to either Scotch Tape or my cat. It’s a toss up for me. Please let me know if you have heard of any other people with tape allergies.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

Thank you for your letter. In review of the 3M product, Scotch Brand Magic Tape, that you have come in contact with, our test results indicate that the tape is non-irritating and non-snesititizing (no allergic reaction). However, I would recommend that you consult with your physician to explore the potential sources of your response. If in your discussions with your physician he would like to contact me for further chemical specific information, please provide my phone number.

Sincerely,
Martin Jones Ph.D.
Manager, Corporate Toxicology

80,000 Tic Tacs

Dear Tic Tac,

Tic Tacs are great, but I have a problem with their shape. They are too round and too hard to handle. The reason I feel this way is because of an incident I had with 80,000 Tic Tacs.

I used to keep my Tic Tacs in a round glass bowl. The bowl held around 80,000 Tic Tacs. One day the bowl fell and broke, throwing 80,000 Tic Tacs across the floor. I began to pick them up and found that it was an extremely difficult task. They kept slipping out of my fingers. It took me four hours to pick them all up. 

Could you begin to make Tic Tacs in cube form? Cubes are an easy shape to handle, and I think the American public is ready for cube Tic Tacs.

RESPONSE

Dear Adam,

We are in receipt of your letter.

Although we appreciate your interest, it is FERRERO policy not to accept unsolicited material/ideas from outside sources.

We thank you for your interest and enclosed complimentary couponds for Tic Tac. Please enjoy them with our compliments.

Sincerely,
Jaimie Smith
Consumer Relations